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Mitch Hedberg

"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that."

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"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that."

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Asa Don Brown

"If you don't have a valentine, hang out with your girlfriends, don't go looking for someone. When it's right, they'll come to you."

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"Our fans want us to be happy and if that means being married or having a girlfriend, they are okay with that. Of course, in this industry it is a bit harder to have normal relationships, but it is possible."

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Asa Don Brown

"On-screen relationships are the best because you don't have to worry about saying the wrong things. And if the guy's got a girlfriend, or I'm not attracted to him, it's even better. It's just my character kissing his character."

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"It's weird, I never wish anything bad upon anybody, except two or three old girlfriends."

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Asa Don Brown

"I couldn't feel good about myself hanging out in Armani clothes when my girlfriend can't even pay her heating bill. I'd feel foul and I'd be embarrassed."

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Asa Don Brown

"I think the reason I don't read is because, when I'm reading, I feel like I'm missing out on something else. You know, What are my friends doing? Where's my girlfriend?"

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Asa Don Brown

"I have 20,000 girlfriends, all around the world."

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Asa Don Brown

"My bed isn't made, I'm tired, I haven't slept well for two weeks. I haven't been laid in a month. I don't have a girlfriend. I have a warrant for my arrest."

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Asa Don Brown

"I think I'd make a pretty good girlfriend."

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Asa Don Brown

"If you've got Mystique as your girlfriend the fun you could have in bed - I've just imagined X-Men 3 might open with me in bed with Patrick Stewart."

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"If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work."
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"I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down."
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"I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people."
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"Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show."
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"Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes."
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"When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away."
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"Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!"
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Mitch Hedberg
"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later."
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"I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all."
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Mitch Hedberg
"I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle."
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