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"I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too."
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"Hallucinations are bad enough. But after awhile you learn to cope with things like seeing your dead grandmother crawling up your leg with a knife in her teeth. Most acid fanciers can handle this sort of thing. But nobody can handle that other trip-the possibility that any freak with $1.98 can walk into the Circus-Circus and suddenly appear in the sky over downtown Las Vegas twelve times the size of God, howling anything that comes into his head. No, this is not a good town for psychedelic drugs."

"I was very laced with drugs myself, but Fred seemed to be even more so than me. That might have had something to do with it. That might have had something to do with nobody wanting to play my records, too, I don't know."

"I don't intend for this to take on a political tone. I'm just here for the drugs."

"Opium makes you quick-witted - perhaps only because it calms the nerves and stills the emotions. Nothing, not even death, seems so important."

"Stay away from drugs. They're not worth it. I've tried, but there's none of them that's worth it."

"They couldn't do a drugs story on me because I'd already done one on myself."

"And we used to do a lot of drugs and get very drunk on very cheap wine."

"Drugs ruin peoples lives, break up families and have disastrous effects on our communities."
Explore more quotes by Mitch Hedberg

"People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky."

"Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show."

"I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming."

"Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!"

"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later."
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