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Mitch Hedberg

"You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something."

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"You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something."

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"Dead fish don't swim around in jealous tides."

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"I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it."

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Asa Don Brown

"Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish."

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"Wherever the fish are, that's where we go."

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Asa Don Brown

"Interestingly, koi, when put in a fish bowl, will only grow up to three inches. When this same fish is placed in a large tank, it will grow to about nine inches long."

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Asa Don Brown

"When they see me holding fish, they can see that I am comfortable with kings as well as with paupers."

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Asa Don Brown

"I like to fish. Fishing is always a way of relaxing."

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Asa Don Brown

"What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin."

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Asa Don Brown

"I used to have some fish, some nice little carp, but they got too big for the tank. I don't have any pets now."

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Asa Don Brown

"New York is where you go to catch a big fish."

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"I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people."
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"People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky."
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"Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show."
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"An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
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"Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes."
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"I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle."
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Mitch Hedberg
"When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away."
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Mitch Hedberg
"I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming."
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