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Mitch Hedberg

"It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky."

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"It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky."

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"People have managed to avert their eyes and hope for the best."

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"A lot of compelling stories in the world aren't being told, and the fact that people don't know about them compounds the suffering."

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"There is always something infinitely mean about other people's tragedies."

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"I think people should be consumers of journalism."

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"I'm not an activist per se, but I have strong feelings about things. People can jump on celebrities for being ill-informed or naive, but I've got a right to say what I believe."

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"I am attracted to people who make this effort in knowing what suits them - they are individual and stylish."

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"I am happy for people to talk about my pictures, but I wish devoutly that I was not expected to talk about them myself."

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"I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day."
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"Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen."
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"I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people."
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"When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away."
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"I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too."
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"I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming."
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Mitch Hedberg
"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall."
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Mitch Hedberg
"I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones."
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"I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle."
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Mitch Hedberg
"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that."
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