top of page
.png){kind=small}
Quotes by Comedian
"A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock."
70
"I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap."
70
"Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone."
70
"So he said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'"
70
"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect."
70
""I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?"
70
"If your working television sits on top of your non-working television, you might be a redneck."
69
"The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades."
69
"I used to dress up and impersonate our next-door neighbor, Miss Cox. She wore rubber boots, a wool hat, and her nose always dripped."
69
"It is a cliche that most cliches are true, but then like most cliches, that cliche is untrue."
69
"Someone I've always admired is Catherine O'Hara... I think she's one of the best actresses in the country, not only comedy. I just think she's just a step aside from everybody, she's just wonderful."
69
"I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster."
Diet,
69
"It's true that I have spoken about doing a book before, but then everyone you speak to is planning to write a book."
69
"When you enter a room, you have to kiss his ring. I don't mind, but he has it in his back pocket."
69
"I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives."
Army,
69
"Had I become a priest, the sermons would've been electric!"
69
"Pity? You don't want to be pitied because you're a cripple in a wheelchair? Stay in your house!"
69
"Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!"
69
"While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake."
69
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me."
69
"When you get just a complete sense of blackness or void ahead of you, that somehow the future looks an impossible place to be, and the direction you are going seems to have no purpose, there is this word despair which is a very awful thing to feel."
69
"The good thing about getting older is that, as you become less attractive, so you have less desire to go out and conquer everyone you see."
68
"You're freaked out that you're going to be having a child, and once you're looking after your daughter, it's the most beautiful thing in the world."
68
"I'm under stress. They killed me on wikipedia. They killed me. And I didn't stay dead long enough to sell no DVDs. I didn't even stay dead long enough - I was too stupid. I should've stayed low. I should've laid low. I could've been gone for a year; I'd have made money. And then I'd have risen from the dead."
68
"Imitation is the sincerest form of television."
68
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all."
68
"A father and two sons run Adelphia. It's a cable company. And they took from that company a billion dollars. A billion. Three people - three people took a billion dollars. What were they gonna do, start their own space program? 'Let's send the monkey to Mars, Dad!'"
68
"There's no skill. You can be a rock and move into another cash bracket."
68
bottom of page