Quotes by Comedian | Beyond Motive 5/64

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Quotes by Comedian

"I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific."

"I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific."

Mitch Hedberg, American Comedian

9

"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it."

"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it."

W. C. Fields, American Comedian

Being, First, Fool, Succeed

9

"I remember saying in college that I would never do commercials."

"I remember saying in college that I would never do commercials."

Rob Corddry, American Comedian

College, Saying

9

"My show is my statement. What I have to say is on the screen. My life is my own. I don't want to talk about my private self. Why should I?"

"My show is my statement. What I have to say is on the screen. My life is my own. I don't want to talk about my private self. Why should I?"

Flip Wilson, American Comedian

Life, Self, Talk, Want

9

"A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months."

"A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months."

Henny Youngman, American Comedian

9

"The main goal of the future is to stop violence. The world is addicted to it."

"The main goal of the future is to stop violence. The world is addicted to it."

Bill Cosby, American Comedian

Goal, Future, Violence, World

9

"You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few nickels in the machine."

"You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few nickels in the machine."

Flip Wilson, American Comedian

9

"I am amazed at radio DJ's today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for."

"I am amazed at radio DJ's today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for."

Jasper Carrott, English Comedian

9

"The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling."

"The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling."

Paula Poundstone, American Comedian

Time, Death, Feeling, Sin

9

"If you want a transcript of tonight's program, get a pen and write down everything I said."

"If you want a transcript of tonight's program, get a pen and write down everything I said."

Kevin Nealon, American Comedian

9

"Academics act like they are important, but when something is academic it is meaningless. People say, 'It's academic, now let's get work done.'"

"Academics act like they are important, but when something is academic it is meaningless. People say, 'It's academic, now let's get work done.'"

Evan Sayet, American Comedian

Work, People, Act, Now

9

"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."

"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."

George Carlin, American Comedian

9

"It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core."

"It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core."

Phyllis Diller, American Comedian

Beauty, Deep, Skin

9

"Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."

"Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."

Tommy Cooper, British Comedian

Drink, Drinking, Eating, Kids, Police

9

"What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm."

"What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm."

Rodney Dangerfield, American Comedian

9

"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants."

"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants."

A. Whitney Brown, American Comedian

Love, Animals, Hate, Plants

9

"My goal is just to become a better comedian."

"My goal is just to become a better comedian."

Ron White, American Comedian

9

"My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive."

"My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive."

Rodney Dangerfield, American Comedian

9

"I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain."

"I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain."

Carol Leifer, American Comedian

9

"I have learned to love that which is meant to harm me, so that I can stand in the way of those who are less strong. I can take the bullets for those who aren't able to."

"I have learned to love that which is meant to harm me, so that I can stand in the way of those who are less strong. I can take the bullets for those who aren't able to."

Margaret Cho, American Comedian

9

"My first job was at a Chicago night club called Mr. Kelly's."

"My first job was at a Chicago night club called Mr. Kelly's."

Shelley Berman, American Comedian

Chicago, First, Job, Night

9

"I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!"

"I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!"

Steven Wright, American Comedian

9

"It's almost like he's started to sound even more exotic the more people started doing him. I don't know why, but there's just something about Al Gore that makes me laugh."

"It's almost like he's started to sound even more exotic the more people started doing him. I don't know why, but there's just something about Al Gore that makes me laugh."

Dana Carvey, American Comedian

9

"That's what show business is, sincere insincerity."

"That's what show business is, sincere insincerity."

Benny Hill, English Comedian

Business, Insincerity

9

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."

Groucho Marx, American Comedian

9

"I've never really worked on them. Just once in a while one hits me and makes me laugh. My Al Gore was sort of like a gay Gomer Pyle."

"I've never really worked on them. Just once in a while one hits me and makes me laugh. My Al Gore was sort of like a gay Gomer Pyle."

Dana Carvey, American Comedian

9

"The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret."

"The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret."

Henny Youngman, American Comedian

8

"Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty... mine's putting in an express lane."

"Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty... mine's putting in an express lane."

Ron White, American Comedian

Death, states, Trying

8

"When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things - not the great occasions - that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness."

"When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things - not the great occasions - that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness."

Bob Hope, American Comedian

Happiness, Past

8

"I've known what it is to be hungry, but I always went right to a restaurant."

"I've known what it is to be hungry, but I always went right to a restaurant."

Ring Lardner, American Comedian

8

"The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off."

"The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off."

Bob Hope, American Comedian

8

"Violence is a tool of the ignorant."

"Violence is a tool of the ignorant."

Flip Wilson, American Comedian

8

"I was born in London, and went to school in Scotland - I used to be dead tired when I got home at night."

"I was born in London, and went to school in Scotland - I used to be dead tired when I got home at night."

Norman Wisdom, English Comedian

Home, London, Night, School

8

"The pursuit of happiness is a most ridiculous phrase: if you pursue happiness you'll never find it."

"The pursuit of happiness is a most ridiculous phrase: if you pursue happiness you'll never find it."

Carrie P. Snow, American Comedian

Happiness, Pursuit

8

"I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap."

"I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap."

Rodney Dangerfield, American Comedian

8

"Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us."

"Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us."

Jerry Seinfeld, American Comedian

Mistake, Babies

8

"My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father."

"My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father."

Wendy Liebman, American Comedian

Mom, Father, Thought, Voice

8

"I think it's one of the main negative emotional ingredients that fuels show business, because there's so much at stake and the fear of failure looms large."

"I think it's one of the main negative emotional ingredients that fuels show business, because there's so much at stake and the fear of failure looms large."

Garry Shandling, American Comedian

Business, Fear, Failure, Negative

8

"I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face."

"I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face."

Rodney Dangerfield, American Comedian

Blind, Day, Man, Reading

8

"Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs, I see through you."

"Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs, I see through you."

Bill Hicks, American Comedian

8

"President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which."

"President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which."

Dennis Miller, American Comedian

People, English, First, President

8

"I tend to stay up late, not because I'm partying but because it's the only time of the day when I'm alone and don't have to be performing."

"I tend to stay up late, not because I'm partying but because it's the only time of the day when I'm alone and don't have to be performing."

Jim Carrey, Canadian Comedian

8

"Rhetoric does not get you anywhere, because Hitler and Mussolini are just as good at rhetoric. But if you can bring these people down with comedy, they stand no chance."

"Rhetoric does not get you anywhere, because Hitler and Mussolini are just as good at rhetoric. But if you can bring these people down with comedy, they stand no chance."

Mel Brooks, American Comedian

People, Chance, Comedy, Rhetoric

8

"I would have to say loneliness is next to uncleanliness."

"I would have to say loneliness is next to uncleanliness."

Janeane Garofalo, American Comedian

8

"A lot of good has come from drugs. I think 'Penny Lane' is worth 10 dead kids. Dark Side of the Moon is worth 100 dead kids. Because a lot of kids wouldn't even be born if it weren't for that album, so it evens out."

"A lot of good has come from drugs. I think 'Penny Lane' is worth 10 dead kids. Dark Side of the Moon is worth 100 dead kids. Because a lot of kids wouldn't even be born if it weren't for that album, so it evens out."

Bill Maher, American Comedian

Drugs, Kids, Moon, Worth

8

"There are very few solid family films. A lot of the writing is awful."

"There are very few solid family films. A lot of the writing is awful."

Chevy Chase, American Comedian

Family, Writing

8

"I met Kevin when I was 19, at a Second City workshop. We were paired up together in the first class I went to. By the end of the class we formed our improv group, and over the next three years we performed leading up to the formation of The Kids in the Hall."

"I met Kevin when I was 19, at a Second City workshop. We were paired up together in the first class I went to. By the end of the class we formed our improv group, and over the next three years we performed leading up to the formation of The Kids in the Hall."

Dave Foley, Canadian Comedian

Class, End, First, Kids

8

"The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down."

"The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down."

Rita Rudner, American Comedian

8

"Let's face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?"

"Let's face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?"

Bill Maher, American Comedian

God, Ego, Worship

8

"For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string."

"For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string."

Spike Milligan, Irish Comedian

8

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