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Quotes by Comedian
"I rewrote it and I took all your notes. Read it again, that kind of persistence paid off."
59
"You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few nickels in the machine."
59
"I was never a Certified Public Accountant. I just had a degree in accounting. It would require passing a test, which I would not have been able to do."
59
"I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?"
59
"A father and two sons run Adelphia. It's a cable company. And they took from that company a billion dollars. A billion. Three people - three people took a billion dollars. What were they gonna do, start their own space program? 'Let's send the monkey to Mars, Dad!'"
59
"Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!"
59
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me."
59
"A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours."
58
"We may have forgotten how to feel. Nobody is teaching us how to live happily ever after, as we've heard in fairy tales."
58
"I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap."
58
"I used to dress up and impersonate our next-door neighbor, Miss Cox. She wore rubber boots, a wool hat, and her nose always dripped."
58
"The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer."
Cats,
58
"When you enter a room, you have to kiss his ring. I don't mind, but he has it in his back pocket."
58
"I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess."
58
"Imitation is the sincerest form of television."
58
"I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator."
58
"I think people feel starved of nice, glamorous entertainment. They want to see costumes and gaiety and a singer; old-fashioned entertainment - it won't die easily."
58
"While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake."
58
"I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer."
58
"If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving."
58
"Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us."
57
"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"
57
"Pity? You don't want to be pitied because you're a cripple in a wheelchair? Stay in your house!"
57
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'"
57
"If you're in the White House, it's your house, and you can invite whatever friend you want."
57
"I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious."
57
""I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?"
57
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