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Quotes by Comedian
"Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?"
17
"It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it."
17
"I have learned to love that which is meant to harm me, so that I can stand in the way of those who are less strong. I can take the bullets for those who aren't able to."
17
"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."
17
"I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out."
17
"I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out."
17
"I think you should be a child for as long as you can. I have been successful for 74 years being able to do that. Don't rush into adulthood, it isn't all that much fun."
17
"I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!"
17
"My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet."
17
"While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake."
17
"I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members."
17
"If you're quiet, you're not living. You've got to be noisy and colorful and lively."
17
"I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer."
17
"Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient."
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"Life is only a dream and we are the imagination of ourselves."
16
"I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting."
16
"One thing that's coming up a lot is: are you as grumpy as you appear from this Black Books thing."
16
"Straight girls like me. They flirt with me to get whatever they want. Of course it works."
16
"I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking."
16
"When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother."
16
"I used to dress up and impersonate our next-door neighbor, Miss Cox. She wore rubber boots, a wool hat, and her nose always dripped."
16
"A lot of celebrities, especially when you're talking about the really big ones, live in what I call the fame bubble. Nobody ever says no to them or challenges them or even teases them."
16
"If you're in the White House, it's your house, and you can invite whatever friend you want."
16
"It's almost like he's started to sound even more exotic the more people started doing him. I don't know why, but there's just something about Al Gore that makes me laugh."
16
"Comedy is exaggerated realism. It can be stretched to the almost ludicrous, but it must always be believable."
16
"Such is life and life is such and after all it isn't much. First a cradle. Then a hearse. It might have been better, but it could have been worse."
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