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"I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking."
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"I remember Mitch Miller saying every week, This rock and roll stuff will never last. But one doesn't like to bring that up to Mitch."
"Ronald Reagan used to alarm his Soviet counterparts by saying that surely they'd both unite against an invasion from Mars."
"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying."
"If somebody's pointing a trembling finger at your pants and saying you shouldn't be doing that, follow that finger back, go up the arm and look at the head that's behind it, because there's almost always something fairly woolly in there."
"At least when it's in French, I won't know what the heck they're saying."
"When I read something saying I've not done anything as good as "Catch-22" I'm tempted to reply, "Who has?""
Explore more quotes by Joan Rivers
"I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again."
"Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television."
"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present."
"Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise."
"She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven."
"A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp."
"I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds."
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