"I like pens. My writing is so amazing there's never a need to erase."

"I will not be misquoted!"

"I mean, I've had bartenders and waiters and waitresses make a comment about a joke of mine, like pointing out some sort of logic error or something that I've never even thought about, and they're right."

"I would call it a comedy variety show. We have some people just doing straight standup. We usually try to have one musical act of sort. So its just people being funny in different ways, not just sketch, not just standup, not just characters, all of those things."

"There's people that are just in awe of what you do, and then there are people who just think it's garbage. And I think there are people who are just uncomfortable seeing someone have fun with their job."

"I mean, I guess I realized subconsciously that this is what I should be doing before I realized it, consciously. Verbally, I don't think I had committed to it, even though I was driving everywhere, every night, just trying to get on stage."

"There seems to be more comedy for comedy's sake."

"I'm particularly proud of my reluctance to share my dreams with anyone."

"I thought they may have presumed too much knowledge of certain things for people who are not comedians. Like Montreal. A comic understands what it is and its importance, but someone else may not know about it."

"I don't feel I'm even worthy of a normal amount of value."

"I mean, I guess I started during the comedy boom, so it was literally like, on Sunday you could decide you wanted to be a comic, and on Monday, you could be on stage."

"People don't understand that that's really what it is. They're looking for a magic phone number or something. And to a certain extent, I understand that, because comedy is treated so much as a stepping stone by a lot of people."

"I'm traveling the world, ripping rooms apart with my stupendous comedy."

"I basically did comedy there for about a year, and then moved to New York. If I had it to do over again, I would have booked myself on the road for at least a year."

"If I'm at a party and someone puts on a Blues Brothers tape, I tend to go nuts."

"Well, I have since seen you at Tinkle. It's a comedy show started by David Cross, me and Jon Benjamin. It features a wide variety of acts for all tastes and seasons."

"I love chicken. I would eat chicken fingers on Thanksgiving if it were socially acceptable."

"I had some friends that tried it down there, and I went to a couple of open mics, and I just kind of got this... this sick urge to try it instead of just watching it."

"You always think you're better than you are in the beginning."

"It was actually 3 years between albums. That seems like a long time to me."

"I am the the type to have a personal experience with a celebrity, but I'm too classy to bring that up."

"I was probably just trying to be Dennis Miller, but without the vocabulary to actually be Dennis Miller. I guess I was just less interesting than I am now, if I am interesting at all."

"I want to release another CD this year, finish writing a screenplay, and make another short film."

"My sister sometimes does a Todd Barry tribute act."

"I don't know any astronauts. There are a lot of people who say they want to be comedians."

"I loved Australia. I was very successful there."

"Only lately, like within the last few years, have I had people actually do an impression of me to me, which weirds me out to think of what they have picked up on, without ever realizing it myself."

"Some venues are better run than others. Sometimes it's just maddening to deal with full dinners being served in front of your face. You can have a good or bad show anywhere."

"And the goal really is to make the audience laugh, to bring them some joy."

"I do not like sports, unless you consider treating all humankind with love and respect a sport."

"People in New York love having roof parties."

"Anyone who bombs is my friend."

"I don't really know much about pirates, or pirate culture. I'd be a contrarian pirate."

"I had temping jobs also. I liked the flexibility. There was no asking for time off; you just didn't work."

"If you see me at a restaurant, blow me a kiss, wave, blow me another kiss, then walk five steps backward."

"I must have done everything I had. You go through years where you go through everything you've ever written."

"It's cool to go to a place that has posters up and it's one night only. It feels more special."

"I wasn't as nervous as I thought I would be when I started."

"I did end up doing substitute teaching, but there's not a lot of teaching involved in that."