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Quotes by Comedian
"I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge."
48
"A laugh is a surprise. And all humor is physical. I was always athletic, so that came naturally to me."
48
"The larger the group, the more toxic, the more of your beauty as an individual you have to surrender for the sake of group thought. And when you suspend your individual beauty you also give up a lot of your humanity. You will do things in the name of a group that you would never do on your own. Injuring, hurting, killing, drinking are all part of it, because you've lost your identity, because you now owe your allegiance to this thing that's bigger than you are and that controls you."
48
"But when you're in front of an audience and you make them laugh at a new idea, you're guiding the whole being for the moment. No one is ever more him/herself than when they really laugh. Their defenses are down. It's very Zen-like, that moment. They are completely open, completely themselves when that message hits the brain and the laugh begins. That's when new ideas can be implanted. If a new idea slips in at that moment, it has a chance to grow."
48
"We are constantly being surprised that people did things well before we were born."
48
"As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
48
"That's the biggest rule in Hollywood: Don't spend your own money."
47
"If you can take the hot lead enema, then you can cast the first stone."
47
"Doesn't matter what you say or do; people can always find a way to call you a dick."
47
"I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything."
47
"Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?"
47
"A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down."
47
"I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like: What I'm going to be if I grow up."
47
"Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately."
47
"A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary."
47
"Last night I dreamed of a small consolation enjoyed only by the blind: Nobody knows the trouble I've not seen!"
47
"Every Vacation movie didn't just make the studio money. They each made the studio a lot of money."
47
"I keep my own personality in a cupboard under the stairs at home so that no one else can see it or nick it."
47
"I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself."
47
"Let's reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools - and use it on the teachers."
47
"Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants."
47
"Barack Obama has raised tons of money. That is what he means by being green."
47
"A great many people have come up to me and asked how I manage to get so much work done and still keep looking so dissipated."
47
"I get a kick out of being an outsider constantly. It allows me to be creative."
47
"My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing."
47
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