Quotes by Comedian | Beyond Motive 32/75

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Quotes by Comedian

"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet."

"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet."

Tim Vine, British Comedian

37

"I've been paying alimony since I was 14 and child support since 15. That's a joke, but not by much."

"I've been paying alimony since I was 14 and child support since 15. That's a joke, but not by much."

Don Adams, American Comedian

37

"One of the things I learned the hard way was that it doesn' t pay to get discouraged. Keeping busy and making optimism a way of life can restore your faith in yourself."

"One of the things I learned the hard way was that it doesn' t pay to get discouraged. Keeping busy and making optimism a way of life can restore your faith in yourself."

Lucille Ball, American Comedian

Faith, Life, Optimism

37

"Anybody can direct, but there are only eleven good writers."

"Anybody can direct, but there are only eleven good writers."

Mel Brooks, American Comedian

Writer, Writers

37

"He is so old that his blood type was discontinued."

"He is so old that his blood type was discontinued."

Bill Dana, American Comedian

37

"Turn up your radio. Watch lots of telly and eat loads of choc. Feel guilty. Stay up all night. Learn everything in six hours that has taken you two years to compile. That's how I did it."

"Turn up your radio. Watch lots of telly and eat loads of choc. Feel guilty. Stay up all night. Learn everything in six hours that has taken you two years to compile. That's how I did it."

Dawn French, British Comedian

37

"My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?"

"My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?"

Henny Youngman, American Comedian

Father, Dad, Time

37

"I think if you ask any of us here, we all dreamed of ending up on Saturday Night Live. I remember thinking, 'I'll just keep doing this as long as I can get away with it.'"

"I think if you ask any of us here, we all dreamed of ending up on Saturday Night Live. I remember thinking, 'I'll just keep doing this as long as I can get away with it.'"

Tina Fey, American Comedian

End, Ending, Night, Thinking

37

"People may say that what I do is very clever, but it's not really at all. It's not Swift."

"People may say that what I do is very clever, but it's not really at all. It's not Swift."

Rory Bremner, British Comedian

37

"The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest."

"The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest."

Rodney Dangerfield, American Comedian

37

"I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down."

"I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down."

Mitch Hedberg, American Comedian

37

"Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen."

"Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen."

Steven Wright, American Comedian

37

"USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population."

"USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population."

David Letterman, American Comedian

People, Population, Today

37

"It's all been satirized for your protection."

"It's all been satirized for your protection."

Bill Maher, American Comedian

37

"Humor is reason gone mad."

"Humor is reason gone mad."

Groucho Marx, American Comedian

37

"They've got great parents; I'm just trying to be the fun uncle."

"They've got great parents; I'm just trying to be the fun uncle."

Sarah Silverman, American Comedian

Fun, Parents, Trying

37

"The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi."

"The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi."

Fred Allen, American Comedian

37

"I dress up as a middle-aged prostitute and do a game show."

"I dress up as a middle-aged prostitute and do a game show."

Paul O'Grady, English Comedian

37

"I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from."

"I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from."

Eddie Izzard, British Comedian

History, Europe

37

"You know, my life's changed now. I'm starting to experience what people are really supposed to do. You supposed to be married. You're supposed to have a family, kids, treat your wife right."

"You know, my life's changed now. I'm starting to experience what people are really supposed to do. You supposed to be married. You're supposed to have a family, kids, treat your wife right."

Mike Epps, American Comedian

Experience, Family, Wife, People

37

"The appreciative smile, the chuckle, the soundless mirth, so important to the success of comedy, cannot be understood unless one sits among the audience and feels the warmth created by the quality of laughter that the audience takes home with it."

"The appreciative smile, the chuckle, the soundless mirth, so important to the success of comedy, cannot be understood unless one sits among the audience and feels the warmth created by the quality of laughter that the audience takes home with it."

James Thurber, American Comedian

Home, Success, Quality, Comedy

37

"They got a great performance from me. I was happy."

"They got a great performance from me. I was happy."

Jimmy Fallon, American Comedian

37

"After this whole acting thing is over and done, you eventually have to be human. Some people are never human. It's very weird."

"After this whole acting thing is over and done, you eventually have to be human. Some people are never human. It's very weird."

Joe Rogan, American Comedian

37

"So yes, I say things I regret constantly, and I just can't help it."

"So yes, I say things I regret constantly, and I just can't help it."

Kathy Griffin, American Comedian

37

"I'm in show business... I want to hang out with Janet Jackson, not Jesse Jackson."

"I'm in show business... I want to hang out with Janet Jackson, not Jesse Jackson."

Chris Rock, American Comedian

37

"A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing."

"A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing."

Joey Adams, American Comedian

Wife, Nothing, Questions

37

"Last night I dreamed of a small consolation enjoyed only by the blind: Nobody knows the trouble I've not seen!"

"Last night I dreamed of a small consolation enjoyed only by the blind: Nobody knows the trouble I've not seen!"

James Thurber, American Comedian

37

"Look to the future, because that is where you'll spend the rest of your life."

"Look to the future, because that is where you'll spend the rest of your life."

George Burns, American Comedian

Life, Future, Rest

37

"I think the more you do this and the more comfortable you become on stage, you start speaking more and becoming more of a character in yourself."

"I think the more you do this and the more comfortable you become on stage, you start speaking more and becoming more of a character in yourself."

Carrot Top, American Comedian

37

"I refuse to feel guilty. I feel guilty about too much in my life but not about money. I went through periods when I had nothing, so somebody in my family has to get stinkin' wealthy."

"I refuse to feel guilty. I feel guilty about too much in my life but not about money. I went through periods when I had nothing, so somebody in my family has to get stinkin' wealthy."

Jim Carrey, Canadian Comedian

Family, Life, Money, Nothing

37

"This movie will actually increase the sex life of parents everywhere because they can put this on, with the 45 minutes of extras and they've got almost two hours to do whatever they've got to do while the kids watch the movie."

"This movie will actually increase the sex life of parents everywhere because they can put this on, with the 45 minutes of extras and they've got almost two hours to do whatever they've got to do while the kids watch the movie."

Dana Carvey, American Comedian

Life, Sex, Kids, Parents

37

"If you look at my eyes when I'm dancing, you'll see that glazed look."

"If you look at my eyes when I'm dancing, you'll see that glazed look."

Ben Stiller, American Comedian

Dance, Dancing, Eyes

37

"I used to first go on to entertain an audience. But now I go, and this is really true - I go on to have fun with a crowd of my chums."

"I used to first go on to entertain an audience. But now I go, and this is really true - I go on to have fun with a crowd of my chums."

Norman Wisdom, English Comedian

First, Fun, Now

37

"I think high self-esteem is overrated. A little low self-esteem is actually quite good. Maybe you're not the best, so you should work a little harder."

"I think high self-esteem is overrated. A little low self-esteem is actually quite good. Maybe you're not the best, so you should work a little harder."

Jay Leno, American Comedian

37

"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes.""

"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes.""

Steven Wright, American Comedian

Girlfriend, Mistakes, Sleep

37

"I keep my own personality in a cupboard under the stairs at home so that no one else can see it or nick it."

"I keep my own personality in a cupboard under the stairs at home so that no one else can see it or nick it."

Dawn French, British Comedian

Home, Personality, Stairs

37

"An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer."

"An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer."

Fred Allen, American Comedian

Hollywood, Will

37

"It was only a few years ago that I couldn't get hired to save my life."

"It was only a few years ago that I couldn't get hired to save my life."

Samantha Bee, American Comedian

37

"The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They don't want their team to be associated with crime. From now on, they'll just be known as the Bullets."

"The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They don't want their team to be associated with crime. From now on, they'll just be known as the Bullets."

Jay Leno, American Comedian

Crime, Name, Now, Want

37

"Sin recognized but that may keep us humble, But oh, it keeps us nasty."

"Sin recognized but that may keep us humble, But oh, it keeps us nasty."

Margaret Smith, American Comedian

37

"Improvisation is almost like the retarded cousin in the comedy world. We've been trying forever to get improvisation on TV. It's just like stand-up. It's best when it's just left alone. It doesn't translate always on TV. It's best live."

"Improvisation is almost like the retarded cousin in the comedy world. We've been trying forever to get improvisation on TV. It's just like stand-up. It's best when it's just left alone. It doesn't translate always on TV. It's best live."

Amy Poehler, American Comedian

Comedy, Trying, World

37

"If presidents can't do it to their wives, they do it to their country."

"If presidents can't do it to their wives, they do it to their country."

Mel Brooks, American Comedian

37

"For me, everything definitely comes from music."

"For me, everything definitely comes from music."

Mike Myers, Canadian Comedian

37

"People in New York love having roof parties."

"People in New York love having roof parties."

Todd Barry, American Comedian

37

"I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill."

"I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill."

George Burns, American Comedian

37

"If I've been here a long time, I think: I must go to London and speak to someone or see a bus."

"If I've been here a long time, I think: I must go to London and speak to someone or see a bus."

Julian Clary, English Comedian

37

"I don't drink any more than the man next to me, and the man next to me is Dean Martin."

"I don't drink any more than the man next to me, and the man next to me is Dean Martin."

Joe E. Lewis, American Comedian

37

"I am presently in my thirteenth year of teaching a graduate course at the University of Southern California."

"I am presently in my thirteenth year of teaching a graduate course at the University of Southern California."

Shelley Berman, American Comedian

Teaching, University

37

"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."

"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."

Groucho Marx, American Comedian

Wife, Successful, Man, Woman

37

"You know, my first album, some of those jokes I'd done for twelve years because I couldn't throw 'em out."

"You know, my first album, some of those jokes I'd done for twelve years because I couldn't throw 'em out."

Ron White, American Comedian

First, Jokes, Years

37

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