"In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls."

"There are never enough I Love You's."

"The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it... try to fake three laughs in an hour - ha ha ha ha ha - they'll take you away, man. You can't."

"When you're eight years old nothing is your business."

"I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park there's nothing else to do."

"A lot of people say to me, 'Why did you kill Christ?' I dunno, it was one of those parties, got out of hand, you know."

"If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses."

"Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God."

"The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter."

"Satire is tragedy plus time. You give it enough time, the public, the reviewers will allow you to satirize it. Which is rather ridiculous, when you think about it."

"I'll die young, but it's like kissing God."

"The "what should be" never did exist, but people keep trying to live up to it. There is no "what should be," there is only what is."

"I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like: What I'm going to be if I grow up."

"The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them."

"If you can take the hot lead enema, then you can cast the first stone."

"Communism is like one big phone company."

"Miami Beach is where neon goes to die."