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Steven Wright

"Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?"

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"Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?"

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Donna Grant

"Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?"

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Donna Grant

"Voters definitely believe Washington is corrupt - but most think it's bipartisan."

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Donna Grant

"There's a Washington standard of casually putting things off the record. It's really gone too far. I don't know an easy way to turn it back."

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Donna Grant

"The most difficult owner for me was the late George Marshall of Washington."

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Donna Grant

"If I decide to tour, I definitely would come to Washington, D.C. We'll see."

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Donna Grant

"I was born in Washington, D.C., and I was raised in Milwaukee."

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Donna Grant

"I grew up in a trailer park in Bellingham, Washington."

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Donna Grant

"I bet after seeing us, George Washington would sue us for calling him "father.""

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Donna Grant

"Mix one part Denzel Washington and two parts Eva Mendes and you have a nice hot cocktail."

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Donna Grant

"Like they said about The West Wing, you can't do a show about Washington until you can."

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Steven Wright
"The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing."
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"I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose."
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Steven Wright
"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."
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Steven Wright
"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."
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Steven Wright
"I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car."
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Steven Wright
"My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant."
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Steven Wright
"There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators."
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Steven Wright
"I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything."
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Steven Wright
"I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side."
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Steven Wright
"In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number."
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