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"My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing."
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"He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites."
Disaster
"I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy."
Beer
"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."
Boxing
"People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi."
People
"Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy."
Brother
"My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe."
Jokes
"I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator."
Night
"The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks."
Evil
"I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks."
Love
"When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas."
Coffee
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"Why is it drug addicts and computer afficionados are both called users?"
Author Name
Personal Development
"I've heard that, but since I'm computer illiterate I don't know how it all works. But since I'm on Prodigy tonight, I'm learning a lot through my typist, Peter."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Sci-fi films are the epic films of the day because we can no longer put 10,000 extras in the scene - but we can draw thousands of aliens with computers."
Author Name
Personal Development
"To me, there is something superbly symbolic in the fact that an astronaut, sent up as assistant to a series of computers, found that he worked more accurately and more intelligently than they. Inside the capsule, man is still in charge."
Author Name
Personal Development
"While the recent addition of the National Guard providing a support role manning computers and cameras has allowed more Border Patrol agents to work the field, more agents are still needed."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Well, I had a lot of help from my father with the soldering and so on, and he was very good at math and was fascinated with computers, and so I was fortunate enough to have a bunch of exposure going all the way back to high school - this was in the 1960s."
Author Name
Personal Development
"After all, just one virus on a computer is one too many."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I actually built a tiny computer as a junior high school project."
Author Name
Personal Development
"If you wanted to build the most powerful computer you could, you can't do better than including everything in the universe that's potentially available."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Supercomputers will achieve one human brain capacity by 2010, and personal computers will do so by about 2020."
Author Name
Personal Development
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