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Quotes by Comedian
"Once I found out how much an Off-Off-Broadway actor makes, I was whoring myself out the next day."
51
"So the laughs had to come from the character, not because we had balloons in our shirts or were speaking in high voices. That was very important to us."
50
"We always performed for our church, but we also just performed whenever the family got together."
50
"First of all, I'm not the kind of guy that likes to rehash the show and so forth and so on."
50
"I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry."
50
"If it were not for government regulation of big corporations, executives at companies like Enron, WorldCom, Tyco, they could have cheated investors out of millions."
50
"I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso."
50
"But if something funny happens, I can't resist. I have to tell the people."
50
"Because someone stole Gregory Peck's star on Hollywood Blvd., I have hired a Brink's guard to protect my star!"
50
"I noticed recently, in the last few shows I did, that I'm starting to get people - not a large group, but quite a few people - who come to see me because they love Curb Your Enthusiasm."
50
"I absolutely realize that a celebrity spokesperson is not ideal."
50
"I wanted to join the Army the sign said 'Be All That You Can Be', they told me it wasn't enough."
Army,
50
"In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing."
Moon,
50
"Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist."
50
"That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!"
50
"It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty."
Sex,
50
"I consider a CD or a comedy collection as a record of what I've been doing, and I try to wrap it up and start new material."
50
"All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats."
50
"People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant."
50
"Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?"
50
"I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too."
Want,
50
"When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me 85 dollars. That is why in the Navy the Captain goes down with the ship."
50
"If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all."
50
"I think I could go away tomorrow. I've already accomplished something. It's such a selfish business that sometimes I get sick of myself."
50
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