Quotes by Comedian | Beyond Motive 25/64

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Quotes by Comedian

"There are two kinds of light - the glow that illuminates, and the glare that obscures."

"There are two kinds of light - the glow that illuminates, and the glare that obscures."

James Thurber, American Comedian

4

"I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle."

"I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle."

Mitch Hedberg, American Comedian

4

"No day is so bad it can't be fixed with a nap."

"No day is so bad it can't be fixed with a nap."

Carrie P. Snow, American Comedian

4

"Leno, Conan. They are both really funny. They really know how to land one."

"Leno, Conan. They are both really funny. They really know how to land one."

Jimmy Fallon, American Comedian

4

"It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who."

"It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who."

Joan Rivers, American Comedian

4

"The real joy is in constructing a sentence. But I see myself as an actor first because writing is what you do when you are ready and acting is what you do when someone else is ready."

"The real joy is in constructing a sentence. But I see myself as an actor first because writing is what you do when you are ready and acting is what you do when someone else is ready."

Steve Martin, American Comedian

Acting, Actor, First, Joy

4

"I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too."

"I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too."

Jack Benny, American Comedian

4

"Everybody laughs the same in every language because laughter is a universal connection."

"Everybody laughs the same in every language because laughter is a universal connection."

Yakov Smirnoff, Russian Comedian

Connection, Language, Laughter

4

"You try various things when you're growing up. I was an attache in the Foreign Service for a while and then I drove a bulldozer, but neither of those panned out for me so it had to be stand-up."

"You try various things when you're growing up. I was an attache in the Foreign Service for a while and then I drove a bulldozer, but neither of those panned out for me so it had to be stand-up."

Dylan Moran, Irish Comedian

Growing up, Service

4

"When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking."

"When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking."

Elayne Boosler, American Comedian

Men, Women, Country, Thinking

4

"Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake - you know, to send the right message to kids."

"Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake - you know, to send the right message to kids."

Bill Maher, American Comedian

People, Gay, Kids, Law

4

"And then also I think it's harder for women because comedy is so opposite of being ladylike."

"And then also I think it's harder for women because comedy is so opposite of being ladylike."

Wanda Sykes, American Comedian

Woman, Women, Being, Comedy

4

"I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle."

"I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle."

Mitch Hedberg, American Comedian

4

"Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn't even have when you were on your own."

"Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn't even have when you were on your own."

Eddie Cantor, American Comedian

Marriage, Problems

4

"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like."

"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like."

Jackie Mason, American Comedian

Question, Sickness

4

"I don't like money actually, but it quiets the nerves."

"I don't like money actually, but it quiets the nerves."

Joe E. Lewis, American Comedian

4

"The money can be a hindrance to someone like me because the danger is that you start thinking, 'Is that a $20 million take?' That kind of thing, and being self-critical."

"The money can be a hindrance to someone like me because the danger is that you start thinking, 'Is that a $20 million take?' That kind of thing, and being self-critical."

Jim Carrey, Canadian Comedian

Money, Being, Danger, Self

4

"If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas."

"If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas."

Henny Youngman, American Comedian

4

"I'd like to play a horse, many people think I already have. Either end of the horse would be fine."

"I'd like to play a horse, many people think I already have. Either end of the horse would be fine."

Dawn French, British Comedian

People, End, Play

4

"I think the special thing about Python is that it's a writers' commune. The writers are in charge. The writers decide what the material is."

"I think the special thing about Python is that it's a writers' commune. The writers are in charge. The writers decide what the material is."

Eric Idle, English Comedian

Writer, Writers

4

"So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'."

"So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'."

Frank Carson, Irish Comedian

4

"Let the world know you as you are, not as you think you should be, because sooner or later, if you are posing, you will forget the pose, and then where are you?"

"Let the world know you as you are, not as you think you should be, because sooner or later, if you are posing, you will forget the pose, and then where are you?"

Fanny Brice, American Comedian

Forget, Will, World

4

"I missed the boat when I was doing Late Night."

"I missed the boat when I was doing Late Night."

Chris Elliott, American Comedian

4

"Common sense is the knack of seeing things as they are, and doing things as they ought to be done."

"Common sense is the knack of seeing things as they are, and doing things as they ought to be done."

Josh Billings, American Comedian

4

"We took the whole thing far too seriously. After all, those were early days in television."

"We took the whole thing far too seriously. After all, those were early days in television."

Ernie Wise, English Comedian

4

"Few if any teenagers can relate to getting up for school and finding famous comics like Pryor and Williams hanging out in your living room after a hard night of partying. But that's Hollywood."

"Few if any teenagers can relate to getting up for school and finding famous comics like Pryor and Williams hanging out in your living room after a hard night of partying. But that's Hollywood."

Pauly Shore, American Comedian

Famous, Hollywood, Living, Night

4

"There is no labor a person does that is undignified; if they do it right."

"There is no labor a person does that is undignified; if they do it right."

Bill Cosby, American Comedian

4

"Maybe... there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for unlawfully detaining 120 people. Maybe they just got carried away with last year's idea of pre-emptive strikes and thought, 'Let's not wait for an actual crime to occur. Let's get the innocent."

"Maybe... there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for unlawfully detaining 120 people. Maybe they just got carried away with last year's idea of pre-emptive strikes and thought, 'Let's not wait for an actual crime to occur. Let's get the innocent."

Mark Thomas, British Comedian

Thought, People, Idea, Crime

4

"It's a naive domestic Burgundy without any breeding, but I think you'll be amused by its presumption."

"It's a naive domestic Burgundy without any breeding, but I think you'll be amused by its presumption."

James Thurber, American Comedian

4

"If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners."

"If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners."

Johnny Carson, American Comedian

Eating, Television

4

"Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!"

"Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!"

Jay Leno, American Comedian

Men, Day, Today

4

"I've never been in the music industry, only acting."

"I've never been in the music industry, only acting."

Victoria Jackson, American Comedian

4

"Actually, I majored in marketing and I have a bachelor of science."

"Actually, I majored in marketing and I have a bachelor of science."

Wanda Sykes, American Comedian

Science, Marketing

4

"Sometimes I wondered whether I hadn't let my career get confined to one direction, but lately I've decided to accept the fact that I have this opportunity to be successful doing comedies."

"Sometimes I wondered whether I hadn't let my career get confined to one direction, but lately I've decided to accept the fact that I have this opportunity to be successful doing comedies."

Ben Stiller, American Comedian

Opportunity, Successful, Career, Direction

4

"I find this proposed amendment very, very, very, very shocking. And immoral. And, you know, if civil disobedience is the way to go about change, then I think a lot of people will be going to San Francisco."

"I find this proposed amendment very, very, very, very shocking. And immoral. And, you know, if civil disobedience is the way to go about change, then I think a lot of people will be going to San Francisco."

Rosie O'Donnell, American Comedian

Change, People, Will

4

"My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted."

"My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted."

Steven Wright, American Comedian

Evolution, Theory

4

"I also love Mole, the unsung hero of reality programming."

"I also love Mole, the unsung hero of reality programming."

Kathy Griffin, American Comedian

Love, Programming, Reality

4

"Yeah I'm thirty-six, but on the show I'm thirty-two. Nobody wants to watch a thirty-six year old woman, so they decided to make me thirty-two. Much more appealing somehow."

"Yeah I'm thirty-six, but on the show I'm thirty-two. Nobody wants to watch a thirty-six year old woman, so they decided to make me thirty-two. Much more appealing somehow."

Ellen DeGeneres, American Comedian

4

"When I was onstage doing the work, adrenaline killed the pain because I never hurt in front of an audience."

"When I was onstage doing the work, adrenaline killed the pain because I never hurt in front of an audience."

Jerry Lewis, American Comedian

Work, Hurt, Pain

4

"If you break 100, watch your golf. If you break 80, watch your business."

"If you break 100, watch your golf. If you break 80, watch your business."

Joey Adams, American Comedian

4

"I learned a lot about handling fans from established stars."

"I learned a lot about handling fans from established stars."

Chevy Chase, American Comedian

4

"I hate it, it is tedious... when I write for my act, it is very improvisational, I write bullet points, I cannot sit in front of a computer; that is not my style."

"I hate it, it is tedious... when I write for my act, it is very improvisational, I write bullet points, I cannot sit in front of a computer; that is not my style."

Kathy Griffin, American Comedian

Act, Computer, Hate, Style

4

"Oh, and Scott, get Mark to play me. He's the most talented one anyway."

"Oh, and Scott, get Mark to play me. He's the most talented one anyway."

Mark McKinney, Canadian Comedian

4

"Don't tell your friends about your indigestion. "How are you" is a greeting, not a question."

"Don't tell your friends about your indigestion. "How are you" is a greeting, not a question."

Arthur Guiterman, American Comedian

Friendship, Friends, Indigestion, Question

4

"So I wonder if anything should ever be off limits."

"So I wonder if anything should ever be off limits."

Kathy Griffin, American Comedian

Limit, Limits, Wonder

4

"I rewrote it and I took all your notes. Read it again, that kind of persistence paid off."

"I rewrote it and I took all your notes. Read it again, that kind of persistence paid off."

David Steinberg, Canadian Comedian

4

"Don't ever prophesy; for if you prophesy wrong, nobody will forget it; and if you prophesy right, nobody will remember it."

"Don't ever prophesy; for if you prophesy wrong, nobody will forget it; and if you prophesy right, nobody will remember it."

Josh Billings, American Comedian

Forget, Right, Will, Wrong

4

"I don't know nothing about no marriages or nothing. I ain't even never been to a wedding."

"I don't know nothing about no marriages or nothing. I ain't even never been to a wedding."

Mike Epps, American Comedian

Wedding, Nothing

4

"I'm Kevin Nealon, and that's news to me."

"I'm Kevin Nealon, and that's news to me."

Kevin Nealon, American Comedian

4

"Laughter is an instant vacation."

"Laughter is an instant vacation."

Milton Berle, American Comedian

Laughter, Vacation

4

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