Quotes by Comedian | Beyond Motive 25/75

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Quotes by Comedian

"I consider a CD or a comedy collection as a record of what I've been doing, and I try to wrap it up and start new material."

"I consider a CD or a comedy collection as a record of what I've been doing, and I try to wrap it up and start new material."

Kate Clinton, American Comedian

40

"I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming."

"I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming."

W. C. Fields, American Comedian

Habit, Water, Will

40

"I'll die young, but it's like kissing God."

"I'll die young, but it's like kissing God."

Lenny Bruce, American Comedian

40

"Before you can hit the jackpot, you have to put a coin in the machine."

"Before you can hit the jackpot, you have to put a coin in the machine."

Flip Wilson, American Comedian

40

"The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed."

"The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed."

Fred Allen, American Comedian

Men, Advertising, Space, World

40

"I get a kick out of being an outsider constantly. It allows me to be creative."

"I get a kick out of being an outsider constantly. It allows me to be creative."

Bill Hicks, American Comedian

40

"People in the United Kingdom and outside the United States share my bemusement with the United States that America doesn't share with itself."

"People in the United Kingdom and outside the United States share my bemusement with the United States that America doesn't share with itself."

Bill Hicks, American Comedian

People, America, states, United

40

"There is no off position on the genius switch."

"There is no off position on the genius switch."

David Letterman, American Comedian

40

"When I was doing Bean more than I've done him in the last few years, I did strange things - like appearing on chat shows in character as Mr. Bean."

"When I was doing Bean more than I've done him in the last few years, I did strange things - like appearing on chat shows in character as Mr. Bean."

Rowan Atkinson, English Comedian

Character, Years

40

"I think basically an actor is a salesman."

"I think basically an actor is a salesman."

Paul Lynde, American Comedian

40

"Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs."

"Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs."

Fred Allen, American Comedian

God, Church, Stars

40

"Listen, the next revolution is gonna be a revolution of ideas."

"Listen, the next revolution is gonna be a revolution of ideas."

Bill Hicks, American Comedian

Ideas, Revolution

40

"I'm not a standup. I don't really have jokes. I don't have 10 minutes. It took a while for me to realize this."

"I'm not a standup. I don't really have jokes. I don't have 10 minutes. It took a while for me to realize this."

Julia Sweeney, American Comedian

40

"Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives."

David Letterman, American Comedian

Daughter, Baby, Order, Wives

40

"I loved Australia. I was very successful there."

"I loved Australia. I was very successful there."

Todd Barry, American Comedian

Success, Successful

40

"No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree."

"No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree."

W. C. Fields, American Comedian

Woman, Women, Doubt, Question

40

"I'd like to play a horse, many people think I already have. Either end of the horse would be fine."

"I'd like to play a horse, many people think I already have. Either end of the horse would be fine."

Dawn French, British Comedian

People, End, Play

40

"Love is the strange bewilderment that overtakes one person on account of another person."

"Love is the strange bewilderment that overtakes one person on account of another person."

James Thurber, American Comedian

40

"The show is a satire, which gives us freedom to do anything we want. Satire is the magic word that wipes away any culpability. The media is jealous of this freedom."

"The show is a satire, which gives us freedom to do anything we want. Satire is the magic word that wipes away any culpability. The media is jealous of this freedom."

Rob Corddry, American Comedian

Freedom, Magic, Media, Satire

40

"I'm not funny. What I am is brave."

"I'm not funny. What I am is brave."

Lucille Ball, American Comedian

40

"Follow what your head is telling you and work hard. That's the big secret."

"Follow what your head is telling you and work hard. That's the big secret."

Joel McHale, American Comedian

40

"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!"

"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!"

Tommy Smothers, American Comedian

40

"Laughter is an instant vacation."

"Laughter is an instant vacation."

Milton Berle, American Comedian

Laughter, Vacation

40

"It's the difficulty we had with Mr. Bean, actually, when it went from TV to film. You certainly discover that you need to explain more about a character."

"It's the difficulty we had with Mr. Bean, actually, when it went from TV to film. You certainly discover that you need to explain more about a character."

Rowan Atkinson, English Comedian

Character, Difficulty, Film

40

"But I think you can make fun of anything as long as it's funny enough."

"But I think you can make fun of anything as long as it's funny enough."

Sarah Silverman, American Comedian

40

"It's the Power of the Almighty, the Splendor of Nature, and then you."

"It's the Power of the Almighty, the Splendor of Nature, and then you."

Al Franken, American Comedian

40

"My table seats eight, so that's my maximum. Having a small number of guests is the only way to generate good conversation. Besides, your whole house doesn't get wrecked that way."

"My table seats eight, so that's my maximum. Having a small number of guests is the only way to generate good conversation. Besides, your whole house doesn't get wrecked that way."

Paul Lynde, American Comedian

Conversation, Guests

40

"I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them."

"I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them."

Rita Rudner, American Comedian

Care, Children, Parents, Want

40

"If you've ever made change in the offering plate, you might be a redneck."

"If you've ever made change in the offering plate, you might be a redneck."

Jeff Foxworthy, American Comedian

40

"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups."

"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups."

George Carlin, American Comedian

Stupidity, Power, Observation, Truth

40

"I like to have fun and be funny, but I'm much more of a thinker."

"I like to have fun and be funny, but I'm much more of a thinker."

Keenen Ivory Wayans, American Comedian

40

"My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic."

"My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic."

Spike Milligan, Irish Comedian

Father, Influence

40

"Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope."

"Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope."

P. J. O'Rourke, American Comedian

Cows, Fun, Hunting

40

"Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words "large" or "size" with "rear end." Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me."

"Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words "large" or "size" with "rear end." Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me."

Tim Allen, American Comedian

Trust, End, Woman, Words

40

"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."

"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."

Groucho Marx, American Comedian

40

"We've all got to look at ourselves, start with yourself, that's all you can do. I believe that we can act responsibly as a group, it's just that there are vested interests telling us not to bother."

"We've all got to look at ourselves, start with yourself, that's all you can do. I believe that we can act responsibly as a group, it's just that there are vested interests telling us not to bother."

Ben Elton, British Comedian

40

"I try hard not to preach, but I get carried away, which is a mistake, but it's a risk worth running."

"I try hard not to preach, but I get carried away, which is a mistake, but it's a risk worth running."

Ben Elton, British Comedian

Mistake, Risk, Running, Worth

40

"If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?"

"If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?"

Billy Connolly, Scottish Comedian

40

"I thought The Office was good, though I didn't think of it as a sitcom, just as a very good programme."

"I thought The Office was good, though I didn't think of it as a sitcom, just as a very good programme."

Dylan Moran, Irish Comedian

Thought, Office

40

"The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board."

"The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board."

Dennis Miller, American Comedian

40

"One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like."

"One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like."

George Carlin, American Comedian

40

"In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk."

"In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk."

Rita Rudner, American Comedian

Marriage, Success, Hollywood

40

"Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish."

"Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish."

Steven Wright, American Comedian

40

"A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized."

"A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized."

Fred Allen, American Comedian

Life, Being, Celebrity

40

"I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum."

"I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum."

Tim Vine, British Comedian

People, Coffee, Day, Jokes

40

"If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like."

"If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like."

Phyllis Diller, American Comedian

40

"New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you."

"New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you."

David Letterman, American Comedian

40

"My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping."

"My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping."

Rita Rudner, American Comedian

Husband, Husbands, Woman

40

"I don't do drugs anymore... than, say, the average touring funk band."

"I don't do drugs anymore... than, say, the average touring funk band."

Bill Hicks, American Comedian

40

"I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar."

"I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar."

Demetri Martin, American Comedian

Love, Trust, Women, Cute

40

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