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"The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board."
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"Americans are very friendly and very suspicious, that is what Americans are and that is what always upsets the foreigner, who deals with them, they are so friendly how can they be so suspicious they are so suspicious how can they be so friendly but they just are."
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Personal Development
"How far you can go without destroying from within what you are trying to defend from without?"
Author Name
Personal Development
"So in our pride we ordered for breakfast an omelet, toast and coffee and what has just arrived is a tomato salad with onions, a dish of pickles, a big slice of watermelon and two bottles of cream soda."
Author Name
Personal Development
"The income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf."
Author Name
Personal Development
"All of the books in the world contain no more information than is broadcast as video in a single large American city in a single year. Not all bits have equal value."
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Personal Development
"I'm surprised and disappointed in American culture."
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Personal Development
"Elvis Presley, The Everly Brothers, and a lot of American artists were my greatest influences."
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Personal Development
"America is the only country capable of producing national movies: its culture has become a global culture."
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Personal Development
"Americans adore me and will go on adoring me until I say something nice about them."
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Personal Development
"I'm a misplaced American, but don't know where I was misplaced."
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Personal Development
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"You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R."
Education
"Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don't find these weapons of mass destruction. It's enough for a lot of us to see those kids smiling on that street again."
Truth
"There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it."
Being
"What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy."
Guilt
"Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch."
Marriage
"Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?"
Marriage
"Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways."
Parenting
"The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens."
State
"I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy."
Trust
"Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet."
Internet
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