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Dennis Miller

"The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board."

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"The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board."

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Donna Grant

"The income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf."

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"How far you can go without destroying from within what you are trying to defend from without?"

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"So in our pride we ordered for breakfast an omelet, toast and coffee and what has just arrived is a tomato salad with onions, a dish of pickles, a big slice of watermelon and two bottles of cream soda."

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"The whole Indian thing, I always say it's really the American holocaust. It's something we need to look at."

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"Actually, today I had to defend the Bush Administration in France again. They refuse to accept, because of their political ideology, that he has actually done more than any American President for Africa. But it's empirically so."

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Donna Grant

"All of the books in the world contain no more information than is broadcast as video in a single large American city in a single year. Not all bits have equal value."

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"I like The White Stripes and I like the kinda twang American thing right now."

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"Elvis Presley, The Everly Brothers, and a lot of American artists were my greatest influences."

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"I'm very aware when I'm speaking to the English of how flat my Mid-Atlantic American voice is."

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"American audiences tend to be more expressive than British ones."

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Dennis Miller
"I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy."
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Dennis Miller
"Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?"
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Dennis Miller
"What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign."
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Dennis Miller
"Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels."
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Dennis Miller
"President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which."
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Dennis Miller
"Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways."
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Dennis Miller
"One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech."
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Dennis Miller
"Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time."
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Dennis Miller
"Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch."
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Dennis Miller
"I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess."
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