Quotes by Comedian | Beyond Motive 22/64

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Quotes by Comedian

"I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far."

"I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far."

Billy Connolly, Scottish Comedian

Angels, Space, Wind

4

"I think that Scottish people, like Canadians, are often misunderstood and what I like about my Scottish friends and relatives is how quickly it can go from love to anger. It's a great dynamic."

"I think that Scottish people, like Canadians, are often misunderstood and what I like about my Scottish friends and relatives is how quickly it can go from love to anger. It's a great dynamic."

Mike Myers, Canadian Comedian

Love, Anger, People, Friends

4

"So, if you're doing good longform with talented people than you can step out and you can be the president or a construction worker and people accept that. It's really the roles you give yourself."

"So, if you're doing good longform with talented people than you can step out and you can be the president or a construction worker and people accept that. It's really the roles you give yourself."

Amy Poehler, American Comedian

People, President

4

"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."

"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."

Groucho Marx, American Comedian

4

"The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun."

"The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun."

Jerry Seinfeld, American Comedian

People, Friends, Fun, Strangers

4

"I was the only Christian on the cast, but that was cool because we all respected each others talent and mostly they respected me a lot even though I was the only Christian."

"I was the only Christian on the cast, but that was cool because we all respected each others talent and mostly they respected me a lot even though I was the only Christian."

Victoria Jackson, American Comedian

Talent, Christian

4

"The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up."

"The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up."

Jay Leno, American Comedian

Crime, Day, Liberty

4

"I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs."

"I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs."

Demetri Martin, American Comedian

4

"Zoolander was more of my own sensibility."

"Zoolander was more of my own sensibility."

Ben Stiller, American Comedian

4

"I tell the person I won't take a picture or sign the autograph, but I will shake their hand. That kind of personal touch is all they're really seeking."

"I tell the person I won't take a picture or sign the autograph, but I will shake their hand. That kind of personal touch is all they're really seeking."

Chevy Chase, American Comedian

4

"Doctor Who was a big part of my childhood so it was a great honour to be in it."

"Doctor Who was a big part of my childhood so it was a great honour to be in it."

Simon Pegg, British Comedian

4

"Outside came in '60. The Edge in '61. All three made Gold, but the biggest seller was Inside."

"Outside came in '60. The Edge in '61. All three made Gold, but the biggest seller was Inside."

Shelley Berman, American Comedian

4

"You might be a redneck if... the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it."

"You might be a redneck if... the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it."

Jeff Foxworthy, American Comedian

4

"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it."

"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it."

Groucho Marx, American Comedian

Laughter, Reading

4

"A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing."

"A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing."

Joey Adams, American Comedian

Wife, Nothing, Questions

4

"I like American women. They do things sexually Russian girls never dream of doing - like showering."

"I like American women. They do things sexually Russian girls never dream of doing - like showering."

Yakov Smirnoff, Russian Comedian

Woman, Women, Dream, American, Girls

4

"In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number."

"In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number."

Steven Wright, American Comedian

4

"Many people would no more think of entering journalism than the sewage business - which at least does us all some good."

"Many people would no more think of entering journalism than the sewage business - which at least does us all some good."

Stephen Fry, British Comedian

Business, People, Journalism

4

"We have a president for whom English is a second language. He's like 'We have to get rid of dictators,' but he's pretty much one himself."

"We have a president for whom English is a second language. He's like 'We have to get rid of dictators,' but he's pretty much one himself."

Robin Williams, American Comedian

Dictatorship, Dictators, English, Language, President

4

"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."

"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."

Groucho Marx, American Comedian

Time, Television

4

"By crying on my bed, drinking quite a lot and feeling tempted by drugs. Well, just not reading it to be perfectly honest with you. I know it's a bit of a copout."

"By crying on my bed, drinking quite a lot and feeling tempted by drugs. Well, just not reading it to be perfectly honest with you. I know it's a bit of a copout."

Jo Brand, British Comedian

Bed, Drinking, Drugs, Feeling

4

"I don't really know much about pirates, or pirate culture. I'd be a contrarian pirate."

"I don't really know much about pirates, or pirate culture. I'd be a contrarian pirate."

Todd Barry, American Comedian

4

"The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He's got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him."

"The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He's got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him."

Jeff Foxworthy, American Comedian

4

"Funny is funny is funny."

"Funny is funny is funny."

Bob Newhart, American Comedian

4

"I love to make fun of fashion because it is just so silly."

"I love to make fun of fashion because it is just so silly."

Kathy Griffin, American Comedian

Love, Fashion, Fun, Silly

4

"A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock."

"A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock."

Jay London, American Comedian

4

"My mom and dad are both in stand-up comedy, so that's where I started, that's where I got everything. My roots are holding the mic."

"My mom and dad are both in stand-up comedy, so that's where I started, that's where I got everything. My roots are holding the mic."

Pauly Shore, American Comedian

Father, Dad, Mom, Comedy

4

"Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist."

"Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist."

Jeff Foxworthy, American Comedian

4

"There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting."

"There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting."

David Letterman, American Comedian

4

"My first appearance as a guest on The Tonight Show was in '81."

"My first appearance as a guest on The Tonight Show was in '81."

Garry shandling, American Comedian

Appearance, First, Guest

4

"If you got a name like Barack Obama, you're supposed to fight."

"If you got a name like Barack Obama, you're supposed to fight."

Sinbad, American Comedian

4

"We all want something else other than what we have and don't realize what you got works. It works. It does work. You gotta work. Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure."

"We all want something else other than what we have and don't realize what you got works. It works. It does work. You gotta work. Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure."

Sinbad, American Comedian

Marriage, Work, Adventure, Career

4

"A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'"

"A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'"

Tommy Cooper, British Comedian

Age, Old, Opinion, Ugly

4

"Anne is very forgiving. She doesn't care about money, being rich, or clothes. We never argued about finances."

"Anne is very forgiving. She doesn't care about money, being rich, or clothes. We never argued about finances."

Jerry Stiller, American Comedian

Money, Being, Care, Clothes

4

"Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order."

"Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order."

Spike Milligan, Irish Comedian

4

"The laughter of man is more terrible than his tears, and takes more forms hollow, heartless, mirthless, maniacal."

"The laughter of man is more terrible than his tears, and takes more forms hollow, heartless, mirthless, maniacal."

James Thurber, American Comedian

Laughter, Man, Tears

4

"I'm happy that I have brought laughter because I have been shown by many the value of it in so many lives, in so many ways."

"I'm happy that I have brought laughter because I have been shown by many the value of it in so many lives, in so many ways."

Lucille Ball, American Comedian

Laughter, Value

4

"I live in a kind of gay bubble. I live in a gay house, I drive a gay car. I eat gay food."

"I live in a kind of gay bubble. I live in a gay house, I drive a gay car. I eat gay food."

Julian Clary, English Comedian

4

"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."

"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."

Emo Philips, American Comedian

4

"Man has gone long enough, or even too long, without being man enough to face the simple truth that the trouble with man is man."

"Man has gone long enough, or even too long, without being man enough to face the simple truth that the trouble with man is man."

James Thurber, American Comedian

Truth, Being, Man, Trouble

4

"I am not a great cook, I am not a great artist, but I love art, and I love food, so I am the perfect traveller."

"I am not a great cook, I am not a great artist, but I love art, and I love food, so I am the perfect traveller."

Michael Palin, British Comedian

Love, Art, Food, Artist

4

"I think most politicians could take a dodgeball in the face."

"I think most politicians could take a dodgeball in the face."

Ben Stiller, American Comedian

4

"My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair."

"My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair."

Rodney Dangerfield, American Comedian

4

"It was such a leap in my career when 'Truman Show' came along. It's always been a long process for me insofar as recognition goes, but that's OK because you appreciate it when it comes."

"It was such a leap in my career when 'Truman Show' came along. It's always been a long process for me insofar as recognition goes, but that's OK because you appreciate it when it comes."

Jim Carrey, Canadian Comedian

4

"With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke."

"With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke."

Tim Vine, British Comedian

People, Confidence, Silly, Want

4

"The simple fact is that what you see on the screen is pretty much real."

"The simple fact is that what you see on the screen is pretty much real."

Simon Pegg, British Comedian

4

"It was tumultuous, it was crazy, but I would not trade it for anything."

"It was tumultuous, it was crazy, but I would not trade it for anything."

Colin Quinn, American Comedian

4

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.""

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.""

Jerry Seinfeld, American Comedian

Men, Women, Advice, Want

4

"Every Vacation movie didn't just make the studio money. They each made the studio a lot of money."

"Every Vacation movie didn't just make the studio money. They each made the studio a lot of money."

Chevy Chase, American Comedian

Money, Vacation

4

"The stuff that made me mad 20 years ago doesn't really make me mad any more."

"The stuff that made me mad 20 years ago doesn't really make me mad any more."

Jeff Foxworthy, American Comedian

4

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