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Quotes by Comedian
"Don't order one for the road, because the road is already laid out."
52
"I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked."
52
"If you've ever made change in the offering plate, you might be a redneck."
52
"I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?"
52
"The dog has seldom been successful in pulling man up to its level of sagacity, but man has frequently dragged the dog down to his."
52
"We are not imperialists. We don't even try to take over Canada. It would be easy, although it might take a rear guard action to guard Anne Murray."
52
"What's right is what's left if you do everything else wrong."
52
"I think a lot comes from having the experience of doing stand-up comedy. It allows you to figure out the psychology of an audience; what things are funny and not."
52
"Black people dominate sports in the United States. 20% of the population and 90% of the final four."
52
"I don't visit my parents often because Delta Airlines won't wait in the yard while I run in."
52
"A husband is what's left of a sweetheart after the nerve has been killed."
52
"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place."
52
"I don't do drugs anymore... than, say, the average touring funk band."
52
"My grandmother was a Jewish juggler: she used to worry about six things at once."
52
"I've been chased. I've been pushed. I've been screamed at. I've been verbally abused. I've been afraid for my safety. But I did it all in the name of entertainment."
52
"I am full of gratitude for my life - and for this house."
52
"Someday I'm going to go onstage in a dress if I want to."
52
"I thought they were staring at me because I was gay. But it was because I was on the telly."
52
"I stayed a virgin until I was 23. I didn't do drugs or drink or smoke."
52
"That's why modern corporate movie making has become so laborious that comedians are kind of kicked out by 50."
52
"I am really enjoying the new Martin Luther King Jr stamp - just think about all those white bigots, licking the backside of a black man."
52
"To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, to steal from many is research."
52
"My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash."
Dumb,
52
"If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?"
52
"I thought comedy would be the hardest thing I could do, and if I could do that, I could do anything."
52
"Humor is a serious thing. I like to think of it as one of our greatest earliest natural resources, which must be preserved at all cost."
52
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