Quotes by Comedian | Beyond Motive 22/75

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Quotes by Comedian

"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

Bob Hope, American Comedian

42

"Yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white, y'know?"

"Yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white, y'know?"

Chris Rock, American Comedian

Love, Being, Famous

42

"I face every project the same way - do it right and give 110%. 100% isn't good enough."

"I face every project the same way - do it right and give 110%. 100% isn't good enough."

Debra Wilson, American Comedian

42

"You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with."

"You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with."

George Carlin, American Comedian

Humor, Faith, Admiration, Realism

42

"That was one of the things that interested me about the character. He doesn't want to be a hero, and has no real desire to save the earth or discover aliens. He's sniffing around looking to see what will fall in his lap."

"That was one of the things that interested me about the character. He doesn't want to be a hero, and has no real desire to save the earth or discover aliens. He's sniffing around looking to see what will fall in his lap."

Orlando Jones, American Comedian

Character, Desire, Earth, Want

42

"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out."

"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out."

Steven Wright, American Comedian

Birthday, Fight

42

"The characters can't be wittier than people are in real life. They have to be character witty."

"The characters can't be wittier than people are in real life. They have to be character witty."

Dylan Moran, Irish Comedian

Life, People, Character, Witty

42

"Anyone who tries to keep track of what is happening in China is going to end up by wearing all the skin of his left ear from twirling around on it."

"Anyone who tries to keep track of what is happening in China is going to end up by wearing all the skin of his left ear from twirling around on it."

Robert Benchley, American Comedian

42

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

Tommy Cooper, British Comedian

42

"I'm not an expert on the Malaysian sense of humor."

"I'm not an expert on the Malaysian sense of humor."

Ben Stiller, American Comedian

42

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

Henny Youngman, American Comedian

Drink, Drinking, Reading

42

"I tried real hard to play golf, and I was so bad at it they would have to check me for ticks at the end of the round because I'd spent about half the day in the woods."

"I tried real hard to play golf, and I was so bad at it they would have to check me for ticks at the end of the round because I'd spent about half the day in the woods."

Jeff Foxworthy, American Comedian

Day, End, Golf, Play

42

"Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure."

"Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure."

Fred Allen, American Comedian

Failure, Church, First

41

"When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty."

"When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty."

W. C. Fields, American Comedian

Death, Life, Hope, Disgrace

41

"If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck."

"If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck."

Jeff Foxworthy, American Comedian

41

"Our first gig was a battle of the bands. We did 45 minutes of comedy and never played a note - and we won!"

"Our first gig was a battle of the bands. We did 45 minutes of comedy and never played a note - and we won!"

Cheech Marin, American Comedian

Battle, Comedy, First

41

"A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live."

"A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live."

Bob Hope, American Comedian

41

"But I think our humour is exactly the same today. Only, we've made rules now. We've said we are not going to do prosthetic make-up scenes, because when they take it off half your face comes off."

"But I think our humour is exactly the same today. Only, we've made rules now. We've said we are not going to do prosthetic make-up scenes, because when they take it off half your face comes off."

Jennifer Saunders, British Comedian

Now, Rules, Today

41

"If you can take the hot lead enema, then you can cast the first stone."

"If you can take the hot lead enema, then you can cast the first stone."

Lenny Bruce, American Comedian

41

"You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready."

"You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready."

Henny Youngman, American Comedian

41

"I've been extremely lucky having been in the army when I was a boy of fourteen."

"I've been extremely lucky having been in the army when I was a boy of fourteen."

Norman Wisdom, English Comedian

41

"I've been on such a losing streak that if I had been around I would have taken General Custer and given points."

"I've been on such a losing streak that if I had been around I would have taken General Custer and given points."

Joe E. Lewis, American Comedian

41

"The University of Nebraska says that elderly people that drink beer or wine at least four times a week have the highest bone density. They need it - they're the ones falling down the most."

"The University of Nebraska says that elderly people that drink beer or wine at least four times a week have the highest bone density. They need it - they're the ones falling down the most."

Jay Leno, American Comedian

People, Beer, Elderly, University

41

"You don't pay taxes - they take taxes."

"You don't pay taxes - they take taxes."

Chris Rock, American Comedian

41

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."

George Burns, American Comedian

Family, Happiness, Caring

41

"The whole world is out of step, apart from me."

"The whole world is out of step, apart from me."

Mark Thomas, British Comedian

41

"Men always fall for frigid women because they put on the best show."

"Men always fall for frigid women because they put on the best show."

Fanny Brice, American Comedian

41

"I think you learn a lot about a country from its art. To me, it's part of the drama of life. It teaches you that there are places, moments and incidents in other cultures that genuinely have a life of their own."

"I think you learn a lot about a country from its art. To me, it's part of the drama of life. It teaches you that there are places, moments and incidents in other cultures that genuinely have a life of their own."

Michael Palin, British Comedian

Life, Art, Country, Drama

41

"Christmas to a child is the first terrible proof that to travel hopefully is better than to arrive."

"Christmas to a child is the first terrible proof that to travel hopefully is better than to arrive."

Stephen Fry, British Comedian

Travel, Christmas, First, Proof

41

"I've been with this young lady for about two years now, and my life changed. I don't even think that way no more. I feel good, too, that I'm changed. Now I feel regular. I feel like I'm supposed to."

"I've been with this young lady for about two years now, and my life changed. I don't even think that way no more. I feel good, too, that I'm changed. Now I feel regular. I feel like I'm supposed to."

Mike Epps, American Comedian

Life, Lady, Now, Years

41

"I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like: What I'm going to be if I grow up."

"I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like: What I'm going to be if I grow up."

Lenny Bruce, American Comedian

41

"I was obsessed with being rich and famous."

"I was obsessed with being rich and famous."

Paul Lynde, American Comedian

41

"I must have done everything I had. You go through years where you go through everything you've ever written."

"I must have done everything I had. You go through years where you go through everything you've ever written."

Todd Barry, American Comedian

41

"I've got one idea I want to do for a film and you know I just enjoy myself doing bits and pieces."

"I've got one idea I want to do for a film and you know I just enjoy myself doing bits and pieces."

Norman Wisdom, English Comedian

Idea, Film, Want

41

"Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas."

"Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas."

Johnny Carson, American Comedian

Time, Christmas, Mail, Office

41

"If men have a smell it's usually an accident."

"If men have a smell it's usually an accident."

Jeff Foxworthy, American Comedian

41

"I don't really know much about pirates, or pirate culture. I'd be a contrarian pirate."

"I don't really know much about pirates, or pirate culture. I'd be a contrarian pirate."

Todd Barry, American Comedian

41

"Shamelessness is a wonderful part of the character."

"Shamelessness is a wonderful part of the character."

Stephen Colbert, American Comedian

41

"I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it."

"I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it."

George Carlin, American Comedian

41

"Life literally abounds in comedy if you just look around you."

"Life literally abounds in comedy if you just look around you."

Mel Brooks, American Comedian

41

"I was influenced by every comedian I ever saw work. That's the only way you learn how to do it."

"I was influenced by every comedian I ever saw work. That's the only way you learn how to do it."

Bob Newhart, American Comedian

41

"I practice safe sex - I use an airbag."

"I practice safe sex - I use an airbag."

Garry Shandling, American Comedian

41

"A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy."

"A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy."

Demetri Martin, American Comedian

41

"When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half."

"When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half."

Gracie Allen, American Comedian

41

"I fed my ego, but not my soul."

"I fed my ego, but not my soul."

Yakov Smirnoff, Russian Comedian

41

"Don't judge me. I made a lot of money."

"Don't judge me. I made a lot of money."

Samantha Bee, American Comedian

41

"When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say."

"When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say."

Henny Youngman, American Comedian

41

"If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age."

"If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age."

George Burns, American Comedian

Age, People, Past

41

"Smack your child every day. If you don't know why - he does."

"Smack your child every day. If you don't know why - he does."

Joey Adams, American Comedian

41

"My parents used to throw great New Year's Eve parties. They invited such an eclectic mix of showbiz people. All those cool people were always hanging out at our apartment."

"My parents used to throw great New Year's Eve parties. They invited such an eclectic mix of showbiz people. All those cool people were always hanging out at our apartment."

Ben Stiller, American Comedian

People, New year, Parents

41

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