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Demetri Martin

"A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy."

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"A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy."

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"The last resort of kings, the cannonball. The last resort of the people, the paving stone."

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"It is not true that people are naturally equal for no two people can be together for even a half an hour without one acquiring an evident superiority over the other."

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"There are bad people who would be less dangerous if they were quite devoid of goodness."

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"I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal."

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"There are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating - people who know absolutely everything, and people who know absolutely nothing."

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"We confess our little faults to persuade people that we have no large ones."

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"Some people break promises for the pleasure of breaking them."

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"I do give books as gifts sometimes, when people would rather have one than a new Ferrari."

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"If something in your writing gives support to people in their lives, that's more than just entertainment-which is what we writers all struggle to do, to touch people."

Explore more quotes by Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
"People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy."
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Demetri Martin
"I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'"
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Demetri Martin
"I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'"
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Demetri Martin
"I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs."
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Demetri Martin
"I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it."
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Demetri Martin
"Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest."
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Demetri Martin
"I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar."
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Demetri Martin
"A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy."
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Demetri Martin
"Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral."
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Demetri Martin
"If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters."
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