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Demetri Martin

"A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy."

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"A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy."

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Donna Grant

"Often people display a curious respect for a man drunk, rather like the respect of simple races for the insane... There is something awe-inspiring in one who has lost all inhibitions."

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Personal Development

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Donna Grant

"The last resort of kings, the cannonball. The last resort of the people, the paving stone."

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Personal Development

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Donna Grant

"It is not true that people are naturally equal for no two people can be together for even a half an hour without one acquiring an evident superiority over the other."

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Personal Development

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Donna Grant

"There are bad people who would be less dangerous if they were quite devoid of goodness."

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Personal Development

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Donna Grant

"There are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating - people who know absolutely everything, and people who know absolutely nothing."

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Personal Development

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Donna Grant

"We confess our little faults to persuade people that we have no large ones."

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Personal Development

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Donna Grant

"Some people break promises for the pleasure of breaking them."

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Personal Development

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Donna Grant

"I do give books as gifts sometimes, when people would rather have one than a new Ferrari."

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Personal Development

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Donna Grant

"If something in your writing gives support to people in their lives, that's more than just entertainment-which is what we writers all struggle to do, to touch people."

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Personal Development

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Donna Grant

"Perhaps being old is having lighted rooms inside your head, and people in them, acting. People you know, yet can't quite name."

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Demetri Martin
"People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy."

Car

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Demetri Martin
"Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest."

Computer

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Demetri Martin
"I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar."

Love

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Demetri Martin
"The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly."

Invention

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Demetri Martin
"I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything."

Sports

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Demetri Martin
"Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is."

Fun

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Demetri Martin
"The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades."

Time

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Demetri Martin
"A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy."

People

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Demetri Martin
"I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it."

Birthday

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Demetri Martin
"Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral."

Saying

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