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"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out."
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"On a royal birthday every house must fly a flag, or the owner would be dragged to a police station and be fined twenty-five rubles."
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Personal Development
"I used to go down every year for the remembrance of Elvis' birthday. Memphis State College invited me to sit in the auditorium and speak to the people for one of those Elvis days."
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Personal Development
"My son had his eighth birthday recently and we had a chance to borrow the film and show it to all of his friends that was at his birthday party and they loved it. I was a little nervous. I said they might not even like it, and say his daddy's movie is wack, but they loved it."
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Personal Development
"I'm trying to get the record that I made at my birthday party last year, trying to get that out, and the lawyers are diddling around with it and it probably won't be out until next year. I don't know."
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Personal Development
"I have had fans make me the big picture collages of the photo books; I have had fans send me birthday cakes... sing to me on my voicemail. I have had fans flash me. I have had older fans give me their bras and underwear onstage."
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Personal Development
"When I was little I thought, isn't it nice that everybody celebrates on my birthday? Because it's July 4th."
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Personal Development
"Well, I started conducting kind of by accident. I wanted to give myself a special birthday present for my fortieth birthday, and I was living in San Francisco at the time and I started attending some of the concerts and then simply dropping hints."
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Personal Development
"The way I see it, you should live everyday like its your birthday."
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Personal Development
"With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me."
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Personal Development
"I wasn't very good about juggling family and my career. I was interested in who was coming to the children's birthday party, what my son was writing. I was thinking about Legos."
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"The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing."
Now
"I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose."
Purpose
"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."
Car
"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."
People
"I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car."
Car
"My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant."
Friendship
"There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators."
Power
"I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything."
Thought
"I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side."
Future
"In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number."
Argument
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