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"I had to perform at the White House for the president, That's always kind of a weird set to try to put together."
President
"The designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, drop them off at the wrong house."
Job
"I used to say that whenever people heard my Southern accent, they always wanted to deduct 100 IQ points."
People
"If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.'"
Family
"Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door."
Baby
"You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand."
Goal
"If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home, you might be a redneck."
Home
"The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He's got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him."
Quality
"I turned down a movie this summer because it was nine weeks in Vancouver and my oldest daughter is 14. I've got four more summers with her. I'm not giving away nine weeks of her summer to go do a silly movie."
Daughter
"I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did."
Father
More
"Prayer: the key of the day and the lock of the night."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Let us develop the resources of our land, call forth its powers, build up its institutions, promote all its great interests, and see whether we also, in our day and generation, may not perform something worthy to be remembered."
Author Name
Personal Development
"To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man."
Author Name
Personal Development
"So let's be honest with ourselves and not take ourselves too serious, and never condemn the other fellow for doing what we are doing every day, only in a different way."
Author Name
Personal Development
"There ought to be one day - just one - when there is open season on senators."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Better one's House be too little one day than too big all the Year after."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Every day, I have a most embarrassing moment."
Author Name
Personal Development
"No charges have been filed by the L.A. district attorney's office, and for that I am appreciative. I have said it before, but we all make mistakes, and the day will come soon enough where you no longer read of mine in the tabloids."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Miserable is a good thing, though. If you start the day miserable, nobody else can screw up your day."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I did. I did see Bigfoot when I was a kid and I still believe it to this day. I saw a big furry man outside my window. It's not funny! It was real."
Author Name
Personal Development
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