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"Now tequila may be the favored beverage of outlaws but that doesn't mean it gives them preferential treatment. In fact, tequila probably has betrayed as many outlaws as has the central nervous system and dissatisfied wives. Tequila, scorpion honey, harsh dew of the doglands, essence of Aztec, crema de cacti; tequila, oily and thermal like the sun in solution; tequila, liquid geometry of passion; Tequila, the buzzard god who copulates in midair with the ascending souls of dying virgins; tequila, firebug in the house of good taste; O tequila, savage water of sorcery, what confusion and mischief your sly, rebellious drops do generate!"

"I admit I was drinking a Guinness... but I did not swallow."

"I keep telling people: Don't make me the poster boy for AA because I don't know a lot about sobriety, but I do know a lot about drinking."

"It's a fairly recent thing but I've become very fond of making drinks myself."

"I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going."
Explore more quotes by Henny Youngman


"I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me."


"My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!"
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