"Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them."

"Yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white, y'know?"

"If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty."

"Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else."

"I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity."

"Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders."

"Black people dominate sports in the United States. 20% of the population and 90% of the final four."

"Everyone has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing."

"A white boy that makes C's in college can make it to the White House."

"School shootings were invented by blacks... and stolen by the white man."

"I'm in show business... I want to hang out with Janet Jackson, not Jesse Jackson."

"Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to."

"Who's judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest!"

"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments."

"You don't pay taxes - they take taxes."

"A man is only as faithful as his options."