"Housework can kill you if done right."

"Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it."

"Laugh now, cry later."

"There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo."

"Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what."

"But some emotions don't make a lot of noise. It's hard to hear pride. Caring is real faint - like a heartbeat. And pure love why some days it's so quiet you don't even know it's there."

"You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family. Families aren't dying. They're merging into big conglomerates."

"Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip."

"Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, "A house guest," you're wrong because I have just described my kids."

"In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television."

"Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago."

"Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide."

"What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?"

"A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween."

"When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway."

"I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent."

"There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M."

"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage."

"If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead."

"One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is."

"All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them."

"It was a bitter moment for us. We weren't two mature parents. We were just two kids playing grown-up. We still needed Mommy and Daddy's permission, blessings, and money to survive."

"It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows."

"Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely."

"Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?"

"Family life got better and we got our car back - as soon as we put 'I love Mom' on the license plate."

"I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle."

"My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint."

"Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, its unplanned, it's full of suprises."

"I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it."

"Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery."

"There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child."

"Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage."

"No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick."

"Never order food in excess of your body weight."

"When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911."

"Housework, if you do it right, will kill you."

"Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence."

"I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I've lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts I should be hanging from a charm bracelet."

"I come from a home where gravy is a beverage."

"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."

"God created man, but I could do better."

"We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings."

"Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub."

"Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother."

"I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex."

"My mother phones daily to ask 'Did you just try to reach me?' When I reply no she adds 'So if you're not too busy call me while I'm still alive ' . . . and hangs up."

"Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it."

"It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else."

"We've got a generation now who were born with semiequality. They don't know how it was before, so they think, this isn't too bad. We're working. We have our attache' cases and our three piece suits. I get very disgusted with the younger generation of women. We had a torch to pass, and they are just sitting there. They don't realize it can be taken away. Things are going to have to get worse before they join in fighting the battle."