"The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot."

"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night."

"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear."

"My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible."

"We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective."

"I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories."

"It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate."

"If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland."

"Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it."

"The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter."

"It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent."

"I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer."

"The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example."

"Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting."

"And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West."

"The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes."

"American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it."

"Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators."

"Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column."

"As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula."

"Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down."

"Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around."