"We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds if we felt like it."

"U.S. News Organizations observe the anniversary of September 11 with investigations about the nation's continuing vulnerability to terrorism. First, the New York Daily News reports that two of its reporters carried box cutters, razor knives, and pepper spray on fourteen commercial flights without getting caught. Then ABC News reports that it smuggled fifteen pounds of uranium into New York City. Then Fox News reports that it flew Osama bin Laden to Washington, D.C., and videotaped him touring the White House."

"As you get older; you've probably noticed that you tend to forget things. You'll be talking with somebody at a party, and you'll know that you know this person, but no matter how hard you try, you can't remember his or her name. This can be very embarassing, especially if he or she turns out to be your spouse."

"The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery."

"The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins."

"He couldn't get into Harvard even if he had the dean's wife at gunpoint."

"If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'"

"Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling."

"Passing the SAT: My personal theory is that it has to do with how much money you send them in the mail. I think the amounts they tell you to send are actually just suggested minimum donations - if you get my drift."

"Maybe somebody finally shot the dog."

"All of us are born with a set of instinctive fears - of falling, of the dark, of lobsters, of falling on lobsters in the dark, of speaking before a Rotary Club, and of the words 'Some Assembly Required'."

"I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War."

"If a Greek woman tells you to do something, you do it."

"Natives of the Florida Keys often refer to themselves as Conchs, and for good reason: They have been drinking."

"I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford."

"The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire."

"Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro."

"Miami drivers will attempt to pass you inside a car wash."

"Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?"

"Other useful commands to teach your dog are 'stay,' 'heel,' 'remove your snout from that person's groin,' 'stop humping the Barcalounger,' 'do not bark violently for two hours at inanimate objects such as a flowerpot,' ' do not eat poop,' and 'if you must eat poop, then at least refrain from licking my face afterward'."

"People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them."

"We will then hear from the founder of the Mayo Clinic . . . Dr. Ted Clinic."

"Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice."

"To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life."

"There comes a time in a man's life when he hears the call of the sea. If the man has a brain in his head, he will hang up the phone immediately."

"The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television."

"If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry."

"The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl."

"Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business."

"Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid."

"The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting."

"Aside from velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe. You can't see it or touch it, yet a plumber can charge you upwards of seventy-five dollars per hour for it, without necessarily fixing anything."

"Apparently he was not the sharpest quill on the porcupine if you get my drift."

"You could be Charles Manson, or Hitler, or even a lawyer who advertises on television, and your dog will still think you're the greatest thing ever. This tells you something very important about dogs: They are not very bright."

"It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money."

"Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects."

"But if I hadn't shoved you off the boat back there,you'd be lost at sea now,wouldn't you? We'd all be lost! So thanks to me you're all standing on land.'(Pirates, its a good thing they're idiots)"

"Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print."

"We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail."

"We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin."

"The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat."

"The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot."

"Panicky despair is an underrated element of writing."

"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night."

"When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy."

"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear."

"My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible."

"We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective."

"I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories."

"It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate."