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Dave Barry

"Apparently he was not the sharpest quill on the porcupine if you get my drift."

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"Apparently he was not the sharpest quill on the porcupine if you get my drift."

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Asa Don Brown

"And if you say that's because you lot barged into her home like a herd of mentally deficient sheep, I'm disowning all three of you."

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"An original thought would crack your feeble skull like a thunderbolt, you craven vulture."

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Asa Don Brown

"An injury is much sooner forgotten than an insult."

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Asa Don Brown

"Oppression is more easily endured than insult."

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Asa Don Brown

"Rnesh karr slithis," I hissed back, which was Draconic for eat your own tail, the dragon version of go screw yourself. No extra translation needed."

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Asa Don Brown

"I'd love to go out with you, but I'd hate to deprive some village of its idiot."

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Asa Don Brown

"Each of us carries within himself a collection of instant insults."

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Asa Don Brown

"You're going to burn in a very special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater."

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Asa Don Brown

"I like Frenchmen very much, because even when they insult you they do it so nicely."

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Asa Don Brown

"A graceful taunt is worth a thousand insults."

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Dave Barry
"Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting."
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"American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it."
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Dave Barry
"The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes."
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Dave Barry
"If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland."
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"The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot."
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Dave Barry
"The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example."
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"If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'"
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"I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer."
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Dave Barry
"Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down."
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Dave Barry
"Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business."
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