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"Other useful commands to teach your dog are 'stay,' 'heel,' 'remove your snout from that person's groin,' 'stop humping the Barcalounger,' 'do not bark violently for two hours at inanimate objects such as a flowerpot,' ' do not eat poop,' and 'if you must eat poop, then at least refrain from licking my face afterward'."
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Exlpore more Pets quotes
"I had mice that I kept as pets when I was very young, and I've always liked the way they look. Even rats. I'm not scared of them."
Pets,
"The love of one cat simply can't be compared with the love of another.."
"I have two Iceland horses, a very hairy dog called Looney, and a guinea pig."
"Capo, my first golden retriever, so loved to swim she once jumped off a cliff to get into Lake Superior."
"Other useful commands to teach your dog are 'stay,' 'heel,' 'remove your snout from that person's groin,' 'stop humping the Barcalounger,' 'do not bark violently for two hours at inanimate objects such as a flowerpot,' ' do not eat poop,' and 'if you must eat poop, then at least refrain from licking my face afterward'."
Explore more quotes by Dave Barry
"I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer."
"The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins."
"And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West."
"The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes."
"It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent."
"If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland."
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