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"All of us are born with a set of instinctive fears - of falling, of the dark, of lobsters, of falling on lobsters in the dark, of speaking before a Rotary Club, and of the words 'Some Assembly Required'."
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"It is astounding what power being kind, mannered, polite and considerate has in transforming your life."
"You have a habit of having an 'underhand', and that is why you get a boss. Otherwise, no one is your boss and no one is your underhand; such is the world."
"The laziness of adolescence is a rehearsal for the incapacity of old age."
"If... says: 'Do not be greedy, be generous', you may inwardly interpret this in such a manner that you will develop a greed for generosity."
"People get absorbed in chitchats with whomever they meet. They simply have to meet someone. Infinite energies are wasted in such chitchatting."
"A person's true character lies somewhere until after you might have pressed the wrong button without knowing, then you'll realize that there are dogs in human form."
Explore more quotes by Dave Barry
"At a national political convention, you have hundreds of people who consider themselves at least as important as the Secretary of Commerce. If it's a Democratic convention, you also have dozens of A-list Hollywood and music celebrities. (If it's a Republican convention, you have Bo Derek.) Also you have swarms of lower-ranking Washington minions with titles like Deputy Assistant to the Associate Deputy Assistant Chief of Staff who are trying to move up the ladder to Deputy Associate to the Assistant Acting Deputy Assistant Understudy."
"I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me."
"I would say that the single most important conclusion I reached after traveling through Japan as well as countless hours reading studying and analyzing this fascinating culture is that you should always tighten the cap on the shampoo bottle before you put it in your suitcase."
"I believe it was Shakespeare, or possibly Howard Cosell, who first observed that marriage is very much like a birthday candle, in that 'the flames of passion burn brightest when the wick of intimacy is first ignited by the disposable butane lighter of physical attraction, but sooner or later the heat of familiarity causes the wax of boredom to drip all over the vanilla frosting of novelty and the shredded coconut of romance.' I could not have phrased it better myself."
"And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West."
"The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example."
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