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"Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid."
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"I am now seventy, rather glad, really, that I won't live to see the horrors to come in the 21st century."
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"Students now arrive at the university ignorant and cynical about our political heritage, lacking the wherewithal to be either inspired by it or seriously critical of it."

"I take responsibility for myself and what I do now."

"I was probably just trying to be Dennis Miller, but without the vocabulary to actually be Dennis Miller. I guess I was just less interesting than I am now, if I am interesting at all."
Explore more quotes by Dave Barry

"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear."

"We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective."

"The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter."

"It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent."

"I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer."
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