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"As you get older; you've probably noticed that you tend to forget things. You'll be talking with somebody at a party, and you'll know that you know this person, but no matter how hard you try, you can't remember his or her name. This can be very embarassing, especially if he or she turns out to be your spouse."
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"Lines and greyness are nature's way of telling you not to fuck with someone - the equivalent of yellow and black lines on a wasp, or the markings on the back of a black widow spider."
"I've been playing the game of life for over 52 years now and I don't feel one day younger or older than I am. Maybe its I just don't feel."
"With regard to things such as independence, mental capabilities, and sexuality, a very old man is nothing but a gigantic infant with white hair and wrinkles."
"Old Age homes are civilization's dumpsites for human beings who it cannot exploit further."
"Getting older comes with abilities. Being old comes with disabilities."
"I think it's something like Mr. Peter Sloane and the octogenarians. The other evening Mrs. Sloane was reading a newspaper ans she said to Mr. Sloane 'I see here that another octogenarian has just died. What is an Octogenarian, Peter?' And Mr. Sloane said he didn't know, but they must be very sickly creatures, for you never heard tell of them but they were dying."
Explore more quotes by Dave Barry
"American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it."
"The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes."
"If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland."
"The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example."
"If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'"
"I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer."
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