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Quotes by Comedian
"If I had never ventured beyond being a stand-up comic, then I would be sitting in my house today working on my Leonardo DiCaprio impression."
43
"I think the show does better with newsmakers and politicians than it does with actors."
43
"My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo."
43
"The beauty about the D-list is that people who are on it probably don't know they are."
43
"It's hard to get fired from the government. You have to, like, kill people."
43
"It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money."
43
"There is no such thing as fun for the whole family."
43
"A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home."
43
"While all the other kids were out playing ball and stuff, I used to stay in my room and imagine that there was a camera in the wall. And I used to really believe that I was putting on a television show and that it was going out to somewhere in the world."
43
"It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't."
43
"I'd like to produce, direct, write, score, and star in a film in exactly the way Chaplin did. I'll do that before I'm thirty."
Film,
43
"Sometimes I wondered whether I hadn't let my career get confined to one direction, but lately I've decided to accept the fact that I have this opportunity to be successful doing comedies."
43
"I've been in Vegas. That's where you get into the money thing. Boy, you get greedy in Vegas, you know. That's the only place that you can bet $25, get it up to $500 and refuse to quit."
43
"If you break 100, watch your golf. If you break 80, watch your business."
43
"The thing that interests me least about the radio business is the radio business. But I've had to learn a little bit about it. It's not rocket science: You get ratings, that's good."
43
"Love looks through a telescope; envy, through a microscope."
43
"When a man comes to me for advice, I find out the kind of advice he wants, and I give it to him."
43
"Marty Richards is an angel on Earth. A producer that does what he says he'll do. He helped me greatly."
43
"Stay away from drugs. They're not worth it. I've tried, but there's none of them that's worth it."
43
"Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway."
43
"About the most originality that any writer can hope to achieve honestly is to steal with good judgment."
43
"There are very few solid family films. A lot of the writing is awful."
43
"Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason."
43
"The thing that cracks me up is how these reality characters start out thrilled and excited just to be on television, and how they move to thinking they are as big as the Friends."
43
"My father-in-law gets up at 5 o'clock in the morning and watches the Discovery Channel. I don't know why there's this big rush to do this."
43
"If I can't suck your milkshake through a straw, it's not a milkshake--it's a glass of ice cream."
43
"The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery."
43
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