"Old maids sweeten their tea with scandal."

"There's a lot of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it."

"One of the best temporary cures for pride and affectation is seasickness; a man who wants to vomit never puts on airs."

"I have lived in this world just long enough to look carefully the second time into things that I am most certain of the first time."

"A puppy plays with every pup he meets, but an old dog has few associates."

"There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness."

"The trouble with people is not that they don't know but that they know so much that ain't so."

"Laughter is the sensation of feeling good all over and showing it principally in one place."

"Take all the fools out of this world and there wouldn't be any fun living in it, or profit."

"Honesty is the rarest wealth anyone can possess, and yet all the honesty in the world ain't lawful tender for a loaf of bread."

"If there was no faith there would be no living in this world. We could not even eat hash with any safety."

"It is not all bad, this getting old, ripening. After the fruit has got its growth it should juice up and mellow. God forbid I should live long enough to ferment and rot and fall to the ground in a squash."

"There are people who are always anticipating trouble, and in this way they manage to enjoy many sorrows that never really happen to them."

"There are two things in life for which we are never truly prepared: twins."

"Most people when they come to you for advice, come to have their own opinions strengthened, not corrected."

"It's not only the most difficult thing to know one's self, but the most inconvenient."

"There are two kinds of fools: those who can't change their opinions and those who won't."

"The man whose only pleasure in life is making money, weighs less on the moral scale than an angleworm."

"I haven't got as much money as some folks, but I've got as much impudence as any of them, and that's the next thing to money."

"I think when the full horror of being fifty hits you, you should stay home and have a good cry."

"One of the rarest things that a man ever does, is to do the best he can."

"As scarce as truth is, the supply has always been in excess of the demand."

"Woman's influence is powerful, especially when she wants something."

"Man was created a little lower than the angels and has been getting a little lower ever since."

"Marrying for love may be a bit risky, but it is so honest that God can't help but smile on it."

"It is a very delicate job to forgive a man, without lowering him in his own estimation, and yours too."

"The best medicine I know for rheumatism is to thank the Lord that it ain't gout."

"If a man should happen to reach perfection in this world, he would have to die immediately to enjoy himself."

"Money will buy a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail."

"One of the greatest victories you can gain over someone is to beat him at politeness."

"There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together."

"No one can disgrace us but ourselves."

"The road to ruin is always in good repair, and the travellers pay the expense of it."

"Remember the poor, it costs nothing."

"Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got."

"About the most originality that any writer can hope to achieve honestly is to steal with good judgment."

"The best time for you to hold your tongue is the time you feel you must say something or bust."

"I have never known a person to live to be one hundred and be remarkable for anything else."

"Words are often seen hunting for an idea, but ideas are never seen hunting for words."

"Wisdom has never made a bigot, but learning has."

"Knowledge is like money: the more he gets, the more he craves."

"Men mourn for what they have lost; women for what they ain't got."

"Reason often makes mistakes, but conscience never does."

"Most people repent their sins by thanking God they ain't so wicked as their neighbors."

"When a man comes to me for advice, I find out the kind of advice he wants, and I give it to him."

"Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed."

"Love looks through a telescope; envy, through a microscope."

"Don't ever prophesy; for if you prophesy wrong, nobody will forget it; and if you prophesy right, nobody will remember it."

"Common sense is the knack of seeing things as they are, and doing things as they ought to be done."

"There is no greater evidence of superior intelligence than to be surprised at nothing."