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"He's called you, like, four times in the past week. And seriously, you should be embarrassed. I've never met anyone who has as much phone sex as you two. My eyes narrowed on her. "How do you know about the phone sex? "Duh. I pick up the phone and listen. I gaped at her."
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Personal Development
"98% of all comedians feel obliged to be funny when interviewed. Less than 2% succeed."
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Personal Development
"When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving."
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Personal Development
"Comedy to me has always seemed a social tightrope for the comedian. For all axioms intellectually sound the general public would prefer to be amused, but in those emotionally sound, it then chooses to get offended."
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Personal Development
"I had to stop myself from laughing. Who needs help taking a pill?"
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Personal Development
"Sometimes Spiro missed the times when a troublesome worker was thrown out of a high window and that was the end of him. These days, if you threw someone out of a window, they'd phone their lawyer on the way down."
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Personal Development
"Why do we laugh at such terrible things? Because comedy is often the sarcastic realization of inescapable tragedy."
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Personal Development
"He's a love-'em-and-leave-'em kind of guy. And though he's not a Lord, he does have a curse hanging over his head. I have the book to prove it.William growled low in his throat. "Anya! Must you share my secrets with everyone? He flattened his palms on the arms of his chair. "Fine. If you can spill, I can, too. Anya's the reason the Titanic sank. She was playing chicken with the icebergs.Scowling, Anya anchored her hands on her hips. "William had a bronze made of his penis and placed it on his mantel."
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Personal Development
"Have a chocolate-covered raisin, he said."They look like rat droppings, said the Chair.The Dean peered at them in the gloom."So that's it, he said. "The bag fell on the floor a minute ago, and I thought there seemed rather a lot."
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Personal Development
"I never watch comedies they suck if something sucks it sucks there isn't doubt about it."
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Personal Development
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"You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot."
Man
"The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born."
Mother
"My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions."
Men
"I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body."
Body
"When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking."
Men
"Wouldn't it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers?"
Money
"I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me."
People
"Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?"
Party
"To listen to your own silence is the key to comedy."
Comedy
"When the sun comes up, I have morals again."
Morals
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