"A woman doing comedy doesn't offend me, but sets me back a bit. I, as a viewer, have trouble with it. I think of her as a producing machine that brings babies in the world."

"I get paid for what most kids get punished for."

"Pity? You don't want to be pitied because you're a cripple in a wheelchair? Stay in your house!"

"Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands."

"When I was onstage doing the work, adrenaline killed the pain because I never hurt in front of an audience."

"I've had great success being a total idiot."

"We're leaving the House to people who either were born with a silver spoon in their mouth... or couldn't get better jobs in the first place."

"People hate me because I am a multifaceted, talented, wealthy, internationally famous genius."

"I am probably the most selfish man you will ever meet in your life. No one gets the satisfaction or the joy that I get out of seeing kids realize there is hope."