top of page
.png){kind=small}
Quotes by Comedian
"Creativity is the answer. I always prefer the creative solution to an expensive solution."
5
"Look, I don't want to wax philosophic, but I will say that if you're alive you've got to flap your arms and legs, you've got to jump around a lot, for life is the very opposite of death, and therefore you must at very least think noisy and colorfully, or you're not alive."
5
"If the police ever try to pick me up, Michael Jackson told me I can hide out at his house."
5
"If presidents can't do it to their wives, they do it to their country."
5
"If Shaw and Einstein couldn't beat death, what chance have I got? Practically none."
5
"Before you can hit the jackpot, you have to put a coin in the machine."
5
"I think Mr. Wilson will have to be the rest of the way alone."
5
"I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'"
5
"All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats."
5
"I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance."
5
"My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo."
5
"Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone."
5
"I don't drink any more than the man next to me, and the man next to me is Dean Martin."
5
"Most of my friends between 21 and 31 are at different stages of figuring out what the hell they are going to do with their lives. It's a big part of our generation. What is the next step?"
5
"I guess they're tough jokes. But there's lots of things you either laugh or cry at. And you just can't cry."
5
"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."
5
"No matter what your heartache may be, laughing helps you forget it for a few seconds."
5
"I'm still constantly thinking of ideas. I don't feel 90. I think I'm about 12."
5
"We never could have performed live for an hour and a half every week if we were doing drugs."
5
"Often times I'm confronted with a quote that I don't remember saying. So, on one hand it's very flattering, it is just so surreal."
5
"I was born in very sorry circumstances."
5
"A wedding is a funeral where you smell your own flowers."
5
"The difference between playing the stock market and the horses is that one of the horses must win."
5
"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck."
5
"No, sometimes we just have to take liberties because the idea was so good. I wish we'd just gone with the idea that Patsy had been a man. It would have been fantastic."
5
"I don't watch television, I think it destroys the art of talking about oneself."
5
"You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it."
5
"I didn't like the nervous tension of being a public person."
5
bottom of page