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Quotes by Comedian
"I was totally unknown in the television and film industry in Canada."
47
"Dr. Phil was very helpful and caring. I believe he helped all of us there and watching how to better relate, understand, and communicate with our families and loved ones. Dr. Phil recommended reading my new book."
47
"All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me."
47
"Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen."
47
"Man was created a little lower than the angels and has been getting a little lower ever since."
47
"The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference."
47
"I just want real reactions. I want people to laugh from the gut, be sad from the gut-or get angry from the gut."
47
"Everybody wants to save the Earth, nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes."
47
"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."
47
"Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country."
47
"Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler."
47
"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture."
47
"We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities."
47
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
47
"It's rather splendid to think of all those great men and women who appear to have presented symptoms that allow us to describe them as bipolar. Whether it's Hemingway, Van Gogh... Robert Schumann has been mentioned... Virginia Woolf, Sylvia Plath... some of them with rather grim ends."
47
"It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals."
46
"I don't think human beings learn anything without desperation. Desperation is a necessary ingredient to learning anything or creating anything. Period. If you ain't desperate at some point, you ain't interesting."
46
"But let's be clear. We're talking about a country where there's no opposition. As leader he can ignore Parliament and - sorry that's Tony Blair isn't it? Um, so he doesn't even have to ask the country before he goes to war - sorry that's still Tony Blair."
46
"I enjoy the last quarter of all basketball games."
46
"I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs."
46
"The important thing to remember is that bugs don't actually talk."
46
"The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He's got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him."
46
"There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting."
46
"My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'"
46
"We are both drawn to surreal situations so the writing was a joy."
46
"I can't explain it, but spiritually it makes sense - though I don't understand how it does make sense."
46
"Sandler's always good. Tom Hanks gave me some good advice."
46
"It was a mixed blessing to have famous parents. It was tough to go to auditions and be bad, since I couldn't be anonymous."
46
"I think Mr. Wilson will have to be the rest of the way alone."
46
"As someone who worked hard for a Labour victory in the 90s, do I regret it? Not really. It was bound to happen. And it'll happen with the next government, and the one after it. Because all governments serve us. They serve the filth."
46
"The only way I would go back to hosting would be if it were something entirely new. It would prevent me from wanting to host a standard-fare kind of talk show."
Talk,
46
"It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy."
46
"If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind."
46
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