Quotes by Comedian | Beyond Motive 14/75

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Quotes by Comedian

"You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest."

"You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest."

Rowan Atkinson, English Comedian

57

"I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness."

"I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness."

Jay London, American Comedian

Performance, Cause, Drugs, May

57

"You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type."

"You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type."

Phyllis Diller, American Comedian

57

"A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once."

"A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once."

Phyllis Diller, American Comedian

57

"I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me."

"I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me."

Stephen Fry, British Comedian

57

"There's always an element of fear that you need to work a lot until people get sick and tired of you or finally figure out that you're a fraud after all!"

"There's always an element of fear that you need to work a lot until people get sick and tired of you or finally figure out that you're a fraud after all!"

Ben Stiller, American Comedian

Work, People, Fear, Fraud

57

"The only valid censorship of ideas is the right of people not to listen."

"The only valid censorship of ideas is the right of people not to listen."

Tommy Smothers, American Comedian

People, Ideas, Censorship, Right

57

"I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself."

"I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself."

Tim Vine, British Comedian

57

"Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering."

"Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering."

Henny Youngman, American Comedian

57

"When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things - not the great occasions - that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness."

"When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things - not the great occasions - that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness."

Bob Hope, American Comedian

Happiness, Past

57

"Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison."

"Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison."

Tim Allen, American Comedian

Men, Women, Work, Children

57

"I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life."

"I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life."

George Burns, American Comedian

Life, Future, Rest

57

"If you see me at a restaurant, blow me a kiss, wave, blow me another kiss, then walk five steps backward."

"If you see me at a restaurant, blow me a kiss, wave, blow me another kiss, then walk five steps backward."

Todd Barry, American Comedian

57

"I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs."

"I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs."

Demetri Martin, American Comedian

57

"Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight."

"Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight."

Phyllis Diller, American Comedian

Age, Beauty, Man, May

57

"The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow 'Operation Re-elect Bush' doesn't seem to be popular."

"The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow 'Operation Re-elect Bush' doesn't seem to be popular."

Jay Leno, American Comedian

War, Name, Popular

57

"The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He's got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him."

"The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He's got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him."

Jeff Foxworthy, American Comedian

57

"I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty."

"I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty."

George Burns, American Comedian

57

"Sandler's always good. Tom Hanks gave me some good advice."

"Sandler's always good. Tom Hanks gave me some good advice."

Jimmy Fallon, American Comedian

57

"It's really not that hard. If I do a Tonight Show, it's six or seven minutes. If I do a concert, it's 90 minutes. If I do an interview, that's 15 minutes. So by the end of the day I've done three hours worth of work."

"It's really not that hard. If I do a Tonight Show, it's six or seven minutes. If I do a concert, it's 90 minutes. If I do an interview, that's 15 minutes. So by the end of the day I've done three hours worth of work."

Howie Mandel, Canadian Comedian

Work, Day, End, Worth

57

"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it."

"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it."

W. C. Fields, American Comedian

Being, First, Fool, Succeed

57

"If you want to make a dangerous man your friend, let him do you a favor."

"If you want to make a dangerous man your friend, let him do you a favor."

Joe E. Lewis, American Comedian

Friendship, Friend, Man, Want

57

"It's the difficulty we had with Mr. Bean, actually, when it went from TV to film. You certainly discover that you need to explain more about a character."

"It's the difficulty we had with Mr. Bean, actually, when it went from TV to film. You certainly discover that you need to explain more about a character."

Rowan Atkinson, English Comedian

Character, Difficulty, Film

57

"I turned down a movie this summer because it was nine weeks in Vancouver and my oldest daughter is 14. I've got four more summers with her. I'm not giving away nine weeks of her summer to go do a silly movie."

"I turned down a movie this summer because it was nine weeks in Vancouver and my oldest daughter is 14. I've got four more summers with her. I'm not giving away nine weeks of her summer to go do a silly movie."

Jeff Foxworthy, American Comedian

Daughter, Giving, Silly, Summer

57

"If you're passionate about your work, it makes the people around you want to be involved too."

"If you're passionate about your work, it makes the people around you want to be involved too."

Wanda Sykes, American Comedian

Work, People, Want

57

"If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters."

"If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters."

Demetri Martin, American Comedian

57

"We end the show with something that's never been on TV because it was too big for a sketch but we couldn't stretch it out to make a whole episode because it would have been too long, but we always thought it was really good."

"We end the show with something that's never been on TV because it was too big for a sketch but we couldn't stretch it out to make a whole episode because it would have been too long, but we always thought it was really good."

Kevin McDonald, Canadian Comedian

57

"Some women can't say the word lesbian... even when their mouth is full of one."

"Some women can't say the word lesbian... even when their mouth is full of one."

Kate Clinton, American Comedian

Woman, Women, Lesbian, Word

57

"You know the only people who are always sure about the proper way to raise children? Those who've never had any."

"You know the only people who are always sure about the proper way to raise children? Those who've never had any."

Bill Cosby, American Comedian

People, Children

57

"They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults."

"They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults."

Jay London, American Comedian

57

"I met Kevin when I was 19, at a Second City workshop. We were paired up together in the first class I went to. By the end of the class we formed our improv group, and over the next three years we performed leading up to the formation of The Kids in the Hall."

"I met Kevin when I was 19, at a Second City workshop. We were paired up together in the first class I went to. By the end of the class we formed our improv group, and over the next three years we performed leading up to the formation of The Kids in the Hall."

Dave Foley, Canadian Comedian

Class, End, First, Kids

57

"The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down."

"The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down."

Rita Rudner, American Comedian

57

"I had been told that the training procedure with cats was difficult. It's not. Mine had me trained in two days."

"I had been told that the training procedure with cats was difficult. It's not. Mine had me trained in two days."

Bill Dana, American Comedian

57

"Every human being has hundreds of separate people living under his skin. The talent of a writer is his ability to give them their separate names, identities, personalities and have them relate to other characters living with him."

"Every human being has hundreds of separate people living under his skin. The talent of a writer is his ability to give them their separate names, identities, personalities and have them relate to other characters living with him."

Mel Brooks, American Comedian

Talent, People, Ability, Being

57

"Workers insist that they are not disgruntled. They are very gruntled."

"Workers insist that they are not disgruntled. They are very gruntled."

Kevin Nealon, American Comedian

57

"Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle."

"Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle."

Bob Hope, American Comedian

Age, Middle age

57

"I love chicken. I would eat chicken fingers on Thanksgiving if it were socially acceptable."

"I love chicken. I would eat chicken fingers on Thanksgiving if it were socially acceptable."

Todd Barry, American Comedian

Love, Thanksgiving

57

"Jim Bakker spells his name with two k's because three would be too obvious."

"Jim Bakker spells his name with two k's because three would be too obvious."

Bill Maher, American Comedian

57

"We all think we're going to get out of debt."

"We all think we're going to get out of debt."

Louie Anderson, American Comedian

57

"Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen."

"Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen."

Mitch Hedberg, American Comedian

Disillusion, Pen

57

"I think one of the problems in this country is that too many people are screwing things up, committing crimes and then getting on with their lives. What is really needed for public officials who shame themselves is ritual suicide."

"I think one of the problems in this country is that too many people are screwing things up, committing crimes and then getting on with their lives. What is really needed for public officials who shame themselves is ritual suicide."

George Carlin, American Comedian

Society, Crime, Observation, Justice, Public

57

"I just want real reactions. I want people to laugh from the gut, be sad from the gut-or get angry from the gut."

"I just want real reactions. I want people to laugh from the gut, be sad from the gut-or get angry from the gut."

Andy Kaufman, American Comedian

57

"The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly."

"The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly."

Demetri Martin, American Comedian

57

"I never wanted to do political satire because it seems too surface to me."

"I never wanted to do political satire because it seems too surface to me."

Tracey Ullman, British Comedian

57

"Show me a man with very little money and I will show you a bum."

"Show me a man with very little money and I will show you a bum."

Joe E. Lewis, American Comedian

Money, Man, Will

57

"Gentlemen, start your egos."

"Gentlemen, start your egos."

Billy Crystal, American Comedian

Gentleman, Gentlemen

57

"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture."

"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture."

Robin Williams, American Comedian

57

"You know, Python should have won a Grammy for our musical work on the show."

"You know, Python should have won a Grammy for our musical work on the show."

Graham Chapman, British Comedian

57

"The cost of living is going up and the chance of living is going down."

"The cost of living is going up and the chance of living is going down."

Flip Wilson, American Comedian

57

"I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out."

"I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out."

Jay London, American Comedian

57

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