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"I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it."
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"Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest."
Computer
"Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is."
Fun
"I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything."
Sports
"I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it."
Birthday
"I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'"
Cause
"Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral."
Saying
"I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'"
Ability
"I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs."
Time
"The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly."
Invention
"A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy."
People
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"I had been offered a Hollywood contract before my 18th birthday. It gave me the spark I needed."
Author Name
Personal Development
"With a recent birthday, I've been acting now for twenty years."
Author Name
Personal Development
"In 1993 my birthday present was a star on Hollywood's Walk of Fame."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I'm most comfortable in my birthday suit."
Author Name
Personal Development
"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it."
Author Name
Personal Development
"On a royal birthday every house must fly a flag, or the owner would be dragged to a police station and be fined twenty-five rubles."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I trained to be a priest - started to. I went to seminary school when I was 11. I wanted to be a priest, but when they told me I could never have sex, not even on my birthday, I changed my mind."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I used to be good with kids, but as I get older, I'm grumpy and terrible with them. As for doing a gig at a 6-year old's birthday party, you couldn't pay me enough."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I cried on my 18th birthday. I thought 17 was such a nice age. You're young enough to get away with things, but you're old enough, too."
Author Name
Personal Development
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