"I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it."

Birthday, Christmas, Want, Waste

44

Create Your Own Wallpaper

Standard

Customized

"I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it."

Exlpore more Birthday quotes

"I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'"

Steven Wright, American Comedian

Birthday, Singing

"I cried on my 18th birthday. I thought 17 was such a nice age. You're young enough to get away with things, but you're old enough, too."

Liv Tyler, American Actress

Birthday, Age, Thought, Old

"My best kiss was on stage. Kelly Rowland from Destiny's Child gave me a really nice soft kiss on my lips during a performance on my birthday. It was amazing."

Chris Brown, American Musician

Birthday, Kiss, Performance, Destiny

"We didn't have a whole lot of money when I was growing up either. I would always ask for magic books or magic tricks for my birthday or for Christmas and the rest of the year I either had to mow lawns or find part time jobs to help supplement the cost of doing magic."

Lance Burton, American Entertainer

Birthday, Money, Time, Books

"I'm trying to get the record that I made at my birthday party last year, trying to get that out, and the lawyers are diddling around with it and it probably won't be out until next year. I don't know."

Marian McPartland, English Musician

Birthday, Lawyers, Party, Trying

"With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me."

Rodney Dangerfield, American Comedian

Birthday, Wife, Man, Respect

"My biggest hero, Gregory Peck, was my birthday present on April 14, 1973. I just sat and stared at him."

Loretta Lynn, American Musician

Birthday, April, Present

"With a recent birthday, I've been acting now for twenty years."

Thayer David, American Actor

Birthday, Acting, Now, Years

"On a royal birthday every house must fly a flag, or the owner would be dragged to a police station and be fined twenty-five rubles."

Mary Antin, Russian Activist

Birthday, Police

"It was my 16th birthday - my mom and dad gave me my Goya classical guitar that day. I sat down, wrote this song, and I just knew that that was the only thing I could ever really do - write songs and sing them to people."

Stevie Nicks, American Musician

Birthday, Dad, Mom, People

Explore more quotes by Demetri Martin

"Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest."

Computer

"People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy."

Car

"If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters."

Letters

"A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy."

People

"I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs."

Time

"The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly."

Invention

"Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral."

Saying

"The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades."

Time

"I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'"

Cause

"I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'"

Ability