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"I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it."
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"Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest."
Computer
"Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is."
Fun
"I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'"
Cause
"Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral."
Saying
"I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'"
Ability
"I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs."
Time
"The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly."
Invention
"A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy."
People
"I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar."
Love
"The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades."
Time
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"In 1993 my birthday present was a star on Hollywood's Walk of Fame."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I'm most comfortable in my birthday suit."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I cried on my 18th birthday. I thought 17 was such a nice age. You're young enough to get away with things, but you're old enough, too."
Author Name
Personal Development
"On my birthday, I was in Milan for the collections."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I have had fans make me the big picture collages of the photo books; I have had fans send me birthday cakes... sing to me on my voicemail. I have had fans flash me. I have had older fans give me their bras and underwear onstage."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Success is like reaching an important birthday and finding you're exactly the same."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I had a birthday one night on a farm we were shooting on. I walked into the tent, and there were 150 people waiting for me, all wearing masks of my face."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Well, I started conducting kind of by accident. I wanted to give myself a special birthday present for my fortieth birthday, and I was living in San Francisco at the time and I started attending some of the concerts and then simply dropping hints."
Author Name
Personal Development
"With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me."
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Personal Development
"I binge when I'm happy. When everything is going really well, every day is like I'm at a birthday party."
Author Name
Personal Development
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