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Quotes by Comedian
"It's not communism, it's shouldn't be that everybody gets a try no matter how good or bad they are. It's our profession and our art, so we should eventually strive to be working with the best people."
49
"Fuck rational thought."
49
"When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat."
49
"If you see me on Friday, you'll see different material on Saturday night."
49
"There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness."
49
"Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home."
49
"I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension."
49
"To my way of thinking, there is every bit as much evidence for theexistence of UFOs as there is for the existence of God. Probably farmore. At least in the case of UFOs there have been countless tapedand filmed and, by the way, unexplained sightings from all over theworld, along with documented radar evidence seen by experiencedmilitary and civilian radar operators."
49
"It's hard to think of yourself as a loser at 2 years old."
49
"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
49
"Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves."
49
"I've never been one to sit back and go, 'I'd better do what the audience wants me to do, because I don't want to lose them.'"
Want,
49
"When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'"
49
"Lesbians are likely to be drawn to stand-up, if only because it's cheaper to produce and therefore more accessible for women. But the very form of stand-up is masculine."
49
"A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag."
48
"I lost that excitement I had when I first started out. It was all about the need to just get a job, and so I found the joy again when I was writing Deuce Bigelow. I was laughing so hard and along with my writing partner at the time, simply laughing until we cried."
48
"One can only guess the amount of magic mushrooms a sane person would have to consume to believe that a frisbee constituted a genuine threat to roughly 3,000 police officers."
48
"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons."
48
"I am tired of angry feminists. I like my women happy, gregarious... and bathed."
48
"A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on."
48
"You shouldn't listen to us at all if you're looking for information. We don't take ourselves seriously on any level; we're just comedians."
48
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments."
48
"I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from."
48
"School shootings were invented by blacks... and stolen by the white man."
48
"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."
48
"If I hadn't become a celebrity, I'd probably be an alcoholic."
48
"When I see the Ten Most Wanted Lists... I always have this thought: If we'd made them feel wanted earlier, they wouldn't be wanted now."
Now,
48
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