Quotes by Comedian | Beyond Motive 29/75

top of page

Quotes by Comedian

"I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him."

"I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him."

Henny Youngman, American Comedian

39

"People either leave or they stay."

"People either leave or they stay."

Mark Thomas, British Comedian

39

"If you see me on Friday, you'll see different material on Saturday night."

"If you see me on Friday, you'll see different material on Saturday night."

Kathy Griffin, American Comedian

39

"I can remember when I was a baby and my mother was there watching the show. I went and bought 100 episodes and watched them. I respect it so much that the sitcom itself and Ed Norton; I'm not playing Ed Norton but my version of it, cause I'm a black man."

"I can remember when I was a baby and my mother was there watching the show. I went and bought 100 episodes and watched them. I respect it so much that the sitcom itself and Ed Norton; I'm not playing Ed Norton but my version of it, cause I'm a black man."

Mike Epps, American Comedian

Mother, Baby, Cause, Man

39

"The best part about poker is there's no down side."

"The best part about poker is there's no down side."

Samantha Bee, American Comedian

39

"My mother always said don't marry for money, divorce for money."

"My mother always said don't marry for money, divorce for money."

Wendy Liebman, American Comedian

Money, Mother, Divorce

39

"It's hard to think of yourself as a loser at 2 years old."

"It's hard to think of yourself as a loser at 2 years old."

Jeff Foxworthy, American Comedian

39

"I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home."

"I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home."

W. C. Fields, American Comedian

Home, Being, Worry

39

"But, you know, you can't be a star at home."

"But, you know, you can't be a star at home."

Jim Carrey, Canadian Comedian

39

"Never having alone time is real tough on people."

"Never having alone time is real tough on people."

Yakov Smirnoff, Russian Comedian

39

"People read me but they don't subscribe."

"People read me but they don't subscribe."

Jay London, American Comedian

39

"Lesbians are likely to be drawn to stand-up, if only because it's cheaper to produce and therefore more accessible for women. But the very form of stand-up is masculine."

"Lesbians are likely to be drawn to stand-up, if only because it's cheaper to produce and therefore more accessible for women. But the very form of stand-up is masculine."

Kate Clinton, American Comedian

39

"Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink."

"Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink."

W. C. Fields, American Comedian

Experience, Life, Sleep

39

"Some people see the cup as half empty. Some people see the cup as half full. I see the cup as too large."

"Some people see the cup as half empty. Some people see the cup as half full. I see the cup as too large."

George Carlin, American Comedian

Perspective, Optimism, Observation, Humor

39

"I'm not on all the time. I like to have fun and be funny, but I'm much more of a thinker."

"I'm not on all the time. I like to have fun and be funny, but I'm much more of a thinker."

Keenen Ivory Wayans, American Comedian

38

"It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?"

"It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?"

Mitch Hedberg, American Comedian

People, Football, Now

38

"So the laughs had to come from the character, not because we had balloons in our shirts or were speaking in high voices. That was very important to us."

"So the laughs had to come from the character, not because we had balloons in our shirts or were speaking in high voices. That was very important to us."

Kevin McDonald, Canadian Comedian

Character, Balloons

38

"It was a nightmare having cameras in the house 10 hours a day for a month."

"It was a nightmare having cameras in the house 10 hours a day for a month."

Kathy Griffin, American Comedian

38

"That's the biggest rule in Hollywood: Don't spend your own money."

"That's the biggest rule in Hollywood: Don't spend your own money."

Pauly Shore, American Comedian

38

"We always performed for our church, but we also just performed whenever the family got together."

"We always performed for our church, but we also just performed whenever the family got together."

Debra Wilson, American Comedian

38

"You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more."

"You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more."

Jeff Foxworthy, American Comedian

Moon, Office, Party, Wrong

38

"Your relationship with an agent has got to be mutually beneficial. If you can't help their careers, then they're not going to be interested."

"Your relationship with an agent has got to be mutually beneficial. If you can't help their careers, then they're not going to be interested."

David Steinberg, Canadian Comedian

Career, Careers, Help

38

"Love in all eight tones and all five semitones of the word's full octave."

"Love in all eight tones and all five semitones of the word's full octave."

Stephen Fry, British Comedian

38

"It's such a pleasure to work in these movies, it's almost like it's not really happening."

"It's such a pleasure to work in these movies, it's almost like it's not really happening."

Fred Willard, American Comedian

Work, Movies, Pleasure

38

"I lost that excitement I had when I first started out. It was all about the need to just get a job, and so I found the joy again when I was writing Deuce Bigelow. I was laughing so hard and along with my writing partner at the time, simply laughing until we cried."

"I lost that excitement I had when I first started out. It was all about the need to just get a job, and so I found the joy again when I was writing Deuce Bigelow. I was laughing so hard and along with my writing partner at the time, simply laughing until we cried."

Rob Schneider, American Comedian

Time, Excitement, First, Job

38

"I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry."

"I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry."

Norman Wisdom, English Comedian

Circumstance, Circumstances, Parents

38

"I don't understand why people don't remember my name."

"I don't understand why people don't remember my name."

Paul Lynde, American Comedian

38

"Politics now is rather like going into Starbucks for a coffee."

"Politics now is rather like going into Starbucks for a coffee."

Rory Bremner, British Comedian

Politics, Coffee, Now

38

"Every person should have their escape route planned. I think everyone has an apocalypse fantasy, what would I do in the event of the end of the world, and we just basically - me and Nick - said what would we do, where would we head?"

"Every person should have their escape route planned. I think everyone has an apocalypse fantasy, what would I do in the event of the end of the world, and we just basically - me and Nick - said what would we do, where would we head?"

Simon Pegg, British Comedian

End, Fantasy, World

38

"A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on."

"A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on."

Fred Allen, American Comedian

Gentleman, Woman

38

"You shouldn't listen to us at all if you're looking for information. We don't take ourselves seriously on any level; we're just comedians."

"You shouldn't listen to us at all if you're looking for information. We don't take ourselves seriously on any level; we're just comedians."

Stephen Colbert, American Comedian

Comedians, Information

38

"I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything."

"I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything."

Jerry Seinfeld, American Comedian

38

"If it were not for government regulation of big corporations, executives at companies like Enron, WorldCom, Tyco, they could have cheated investors out of millions."

"If it were not for government regulation of big corporations, executives at companies like Enron, WorldCom, Tyco, they could have cheated investors out of millions."

P. J. O'Rourke, American Comedian

Regulation, Corporations, Accountability, Law

38

"Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent."

"Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent."

Fred Allen, American Comedian

38

"A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax."

"A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax."

Rita Rudner, American Comedian

War, Country, Fight, Man

38

"Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately."

"Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately."

Jeff Foxworthy, American Comedian

38

"Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established."

"Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established."

George Carlin, American Comedian

Example, Fact, Right, Trying

38

"I learned that you don't have to be all over the place, that you can be subtle and you can say what you say. The words that you put together can be just as hilarious as falling all over the place or doing something."

"I learned that you don't have to be all over the place, that you can be subtle and you can say what you say. The words that you put together can be just as hilarious as falling all over the place or doing something."

Mike Epps, American Comedian

38

"Ugly. Is irrelevant. It is an immeasurable insult to a woman, and then supposedly the worst crime you can commit as a woman. But ugly, as beautiful, is an illusion."

"Ugly. Is irrelevant. It is an immeasurable insult to a woman, and then supposedly the worst crime you can commit as a woman. But ugly, as beautiful, is an illusion."

Margaret Cho, American Comedian

Crime, Illusion, Insult, Ugly

38

"I still think people do have racial hang-ups, but I think one of the reasons I can joke about it is people are shedding those racial hatreds."

"I still think people do have racial hang-ups, but I think one of the reasons I can joke about it is people are shedding those racial hatreds."

Dave Chappelle, American Comedian

38

"Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers."

"Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers."

Alan King, American Comedian

Marriage, Nature, Fighting, Strangers

38

"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."

"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."

Groucho Marx, American Comedian

Time, Television

38

"My point of reference is life, in everything that I do."

"My point of reference is life, in everything that I do."

Howie Mandel, Canadian Comedian

38

"I live in a kind of gay bubble. I live in a gay house, I drive a gay car. I eat gay food."

"I live in a kind of gay bubble. I live in a gay house, I drive a gay car. I eat gay food."

Julian Clary, English Comedian

38

"Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with that it's compounding a felony."

"Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with that it's compounding a felony."

Robert Benchley, American Comedian

People, Drinking, Fools

38

"It was tumultuous, it was crazy, but I would not trade it for anything."

"It was tumultuous, it was crazy, but I would not trade it for anything."

Colin Quinn, American Comedian

38

"I don't devalue comedy as compared to drama. Not one bit."

"I don't devalue comedy as compared to drama. Not one bit."

Ben Stiller, American Comedian

38

"I'm here today because I hated everything else."

"I'm here today because I hated everything else."

Wanda Sykes, American Comedian

38

"Have you ever seen people so ugly that you have to get someone else to verify it?"

"Have you ever seen people so ugly that you have to get someone else to verify it?"

Jeff Foxworthy, American Comedian

38

"I say at this point, for different reasons, Bush and Hussein are both very threatening to world peace and to deny that is to be incredibly naive."

"I say at this point, for different reasons, Bush and Hussein are both very threatening to world peace and to deny that is to be incredibly naive."

Janeane Garofalo, American Comedian

38

bottom of page