"The Universe is very, very big.It also loves a paradox. For example, it has some extremely strict rules.Rule number one: Nothing lasts forever.Not you or your family or your house or your planet or the sun. It is an absolute rule. Therefore when someone says that their love will never die, it means that their love is not real, for everything that is real dies. Rule number two: Everything lasts forever."

"Look, there is nothing you can say about this show that I don't already know"

"I'm gonna enjoy being old I think I'll be awesome at it."

"When I went out on tour as Bing Hitler I would hook up with Lenny and we'd get drunk together. He was always very supportive. He was a big star and a lot of what he said to me had power and impact. Apart from that, I just like him."

"Those unexpected morality lessons provided by the trip had jolted me into some kind of action. It was time to jettison the past before the present jettisoned me. This was my first veiled attempt at recovery. Although perhaps I was just running away again. I returned to Glasgow, planning to say a final goodbye to Anne and get out of her life, but ended up drinking with buddies in the Chip Bar and never seeing her. I called her instead to say I was moving to London and told her she could have the house and everything else we owned, which wasn't much. I think she was as relieved as I was that I was leaving town for good."

"From this moment on I'd dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong?"

"I didn't flee a dictator or swim an ocean to be an American like some do. I just thought long and hard about it."

"I love zombies. If any monster could Riverdance, it would be zombies."

"Oh Satan you're a wily one."

"Sometimes they would just pay me to stay home and not do anything else, which sounds fantastic but doesn't do much for your ego. Its probably a little like getting alimony - the money is nice but has a nasty aftertaste."

"Be careful who you choose as your hero or who you choose to deify, be it Clay Aiken or Barack Obama. You put all you're hope and all your dreams and all your ideas about stuff into one human being. They're a human being they're going to let you down. You can't make someone your hero because of something you read on the internet. The internet is not a source of information it is a source of disinformation."

"114 isn't as old as it used to be they say its the new 104."

"The Afghan government is as corrupt as a prostitute with a law degree."

"By the power of Steven Wright's Beard!"

"I don't think wood was discovered in Britain until the 1970's. That's when I discovered it anyway."

"If I have a near - beer, I'm near beer. And if I'm near beer, I'm close to tequila. And if I'm close to tequila, I'm adjacent to cocaine."

"I dropped out of high school when I was 16, after I had a huge argument with my English teacher over the meaning of the word 'existentialism.'"

"I have that hypocrisy of a parent in that I'm like, 'Come on, you've got to toughen up at the same time let me take care of that for you."

"I realize that I am not a journalist. So anything I say is not important."

"At CBS, I'm in your house. I'm mindful of that. When I do standup, you're in my home and I can say what I want to."

"I told her that I didn't want to take any drugs. That I had come here not to take drugs. 'Listen, ' she said, not unkindly, 'up until now I would say that ninety - nine percent of all the narcotics you have taken in your life you bought from guys you didn't know, in bathrooms or on street corners, something like that. Correct?'I nodded.'Well these guys could have been selling you salt or strychnine. They didn't care. They wanted your money. I don't care about your money, and, unlike your previous suppliers, I went to college to study just the right drugs to give to people like you in order to help you get better. So, bearing all that in mind ... Take the fucking drugs!'I took the drugs."

"Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'."

"Alcohol ruined me financially and morally, broke my heart and the hearts of too many others. Even though it did this to me and it almost killed me and I haven't touched a drop of it in seventeen years, sometimes I wonder if I could get away with drinking some now. I totally subscribe to the notion that alcoholism is a mental illness because thinking like that is clearly insane."

"It seemed that I performed better sober than drunk. Who knew?"

"If I start giving people what they like I'll turn into one of them and I don't want to be one of them I want to be one of me."

"It 's the time of year when Canadians mate."

"My job is to find the politicians and the presidents and the pompous people who are telling other people how to live, powerful, visible creatures and ... go at them."

"I've got mixed feelings about poetry cause done well poetry is fantastic. But not many people are capable of doing it well. I think you should have some kind of license to perform poetry. A poetic license perhaps."

"I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. Its a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving."

"I am reasonably happy. I didn't find Jesus or anything like that. Part of it is that I just feel that I could go home. I did not feel like that for a long time, but I could go back now."

"They were singing, Gillette, the best a man can get, with a lot of guys hugging their fathers and sailing and riding bikes. I suddenly felt a long way from the best a man could get and I thought it would be nice to get from there to the best."

"My mother was tickled and I think kind of proud when my father got hit on my an attractive middle - aged Asian lady who hadn't noticed he was with his family. He was certainly pleased about it."

"He will know from and early age that failure is not disgrace. It's just a pitch that you missed, and you'd better get ready for the next one. The next one might be the shot heard round the world. My son and I are Americans, we prepare for glory by failing until we don't."

"If a man doesn't know how to dance he doesn't know how to make love, there I said it!"

"I think people are as individual as snowflakes, they kinda look alike but no two are the exactly the same, and all classification is the root of prejudice."

"America truly is the best idea for a country that anyone has ever come up with so far. Not only because we value democracy and the rights of the individual, but because we are always our own most effective voice of descent....We must never mistake disagreement between Americans on political or moral issues to be an indication of their level of patriotism. If you don't like what I say or don't agree with where I stand on certain issues, then good. I'm glad we're in America, and don't have to oppress each other over it. We're not just a nation, we're not an ethnicity. We are a dream of justice that people have had for a thousand years."

"People talk to old people like they're children.'Oh you're very old aren't you?' Yeah I'm old. I'm not stupid."

"I didn't say no because between safety and adventure I choose adventure."

"You can never talk religion on network TV. It makes too many people angry. You can talk about sex."

"I don't think there's anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isn't fashionable."

"Laughter separates us from despair, and gives us a chance at love."

"You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout, I'm telling you why, Cause Santa Clause might put a cap in your ass."

"He was in awe of the thirst that people had for someone to tell them that everything was going to be all right. He marveled at the gullibility and vulnerability of his fellow humans. No wonder the churches called them sheep. They were woolly - headed pack animals being herded around for the benefit of whoever knew how to control the dogs."

"The worst gift I was given is when I got out of rehab that Christmas, a bottle of wine. It was delicious."

"Ros was dead.He had loved heroin more than it loved him. I was shocked beyond imagining, he was the first of my friends to fall."

"Even the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken.Infallibility is a sin in any man.All laws can be broken and are.Often."

"Acid gave me a clinical, unblinking look at madness, and I discovered I wasn't brave enough to be insane."

"I found out it is just as hard to make a movie that you are not proud of as it is to make one you love."

"With good parody, you have to be smarter that the people you're parodying."

"I've started looking at my own father a bit funny. He assures me, though, that I really am the son of a Scottish postman."