"When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'."

"In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet."

"Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments."

"I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: "Checkout Time is 18 years.""

"How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?"

"My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?"

"I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair."

"There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it."

"Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other."

"Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated."

"For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward."

"Children make your life important."

"My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car."

"A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest."

"Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth."

"A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat."