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"In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet."
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"Fool me once, shame on youfool me twice, shame on mefool me thrice, I'm gonna get the frying pan!"
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Personal Development
"As a comedian, the more you commit the sin of stupidity, three essential things happen to your life:~people applaud you incessantly.~love you more than their parents.~give you a daily bread."
Author Name
Personal Development
"One who has both feet firmly planted in the air."
Author Name
Personal Development
"My religion consists of laughing at myself. My motto is this: As long as there is a me, there is a reason to laugh out loud!"
Author Name
Personal Development
"Well, that depends, I suppose. I heard someone once say that men dance the same way they have sex. So, if you want everyone here to think you're the kind of guy who just sits around and-" He stood up. "Let's dance."
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Personal Development
"The cleverest woman finds a need for foolish admirers."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual."
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Personal Development
"I was my own boss, but that all changed the day I got married."
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Personal Development
"Could you hold the chainsaw a bit closer to your mouth, please?"
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Personal Development
"I went to the kitchen and felt-up the turkey."
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Personal Development
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"Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other."
Success
"A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest."
Friendship
"My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car."
Car
"Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth."
Car
"Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments."
Car
"Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated."
School
"My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?"
Fire
"I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: "Checkout Time is 18 years.""
Time
"In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet."
Humor
"There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it."
Family
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