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"There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt."
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"I've been on so many blind dates I should get a free dog."
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Personal Development
"Sometimes absurd logic can be amusing and heart-touching."
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Personal Development
"I think at its best the American sense of humor is the same as the British sense of humor at its best, which is to be wry and ironic and self deprecating."
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Personal Development
"Humor distorts nothing, and only false gods are laughed off their earthly pedestals."
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Personal Development
"You can turn your back on a person, but never turn your back on a drug, especially when its waving a razor sharp hunting knife in your eye."
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Personal Development
"Alimony: the cash surrender value of a husband."
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Personal Development
"I've stopped drinking, but only while I'm asleep."
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Personal Development
"Beware of giggle grins, they are highly contagious."
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Personal Development
"When I reprimanded my son for hair like Michael Jackson he said: "I don't see the problem you wear yours like Michael Jordan.""
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Personal Development
"I detest life-insurance agents: they always argue that I shall some day die, which is not so."
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"One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is."
Life
"It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows."
Car
"Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely."
Dream
"Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery."
Car
"There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child."
Christian
"Never order food in excess of your body weight."
Food
"When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911."
Nothing
"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
Reason
"Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother."
Wisdom
"I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex."
Life
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