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"I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair."
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"I am always looking for a cool tee shirt; maybe one with a rock band or an old advertisement."
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Personal Development
"I am too old for an eyebrow piercing but too young for an eyebrow lift."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Exceptions are not always the proof of the old rule; they can also be the harbinger of a new one."
Author Name
Personal Development
"We have to stop the propaganda, the shameful propaganda used by Kremlin to rehabilitate these old types."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I find old copies of National Gallery catalogues, which are written in the dryest possible prose, infinitely soothing."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I've said it once and I'll say it a a hundred times, I'm forty-four years old."
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Personal Development
"Everybody hates a prodigy, detests an old head on young shoulders."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet."
Author Name
Personal Development
"A new philosophy generally means in practice the praise of some old vice."
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Personal Development
"That's me: an old kazoo with some sparklers."
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Personal Development
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"One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is."
Life
"It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows."
Car
"Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely."
Dream
"Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery."
Car
"There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child."
Christian
"Never order food in excess of your body weight."
Food
"When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911."
Nothing
"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
Reason
"Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother."
Wisdom
"I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex."
Life
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