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Erma Bombeck

"When humor goes, there goes civilization."

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"When humor goes, there goes civilization."

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Donna Grant

"Fool me once, shame on youfool me twice, shame on mefool me thrice, I'm gonna get the frying pan!"

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Donna Grant

"As a comedian, the more you commit the sin of stupidity, three essential things happen to your life:~people applaud you incessantly.~love you more than their parents.~give you a daily bread."

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Donna Grant

"One who has both feet firmly planted in the air."

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Donna Grant

"My religion consists of laughing at myself. My motto is this: As long as there is a me, there is a reason to laugh out loud!"

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Donna Grant

"Well, that depends, I suppose. I heard someone once say that men dance the same way they have sex. So, if you want everyone here to think you're the kind of guy who just sits around and-" He stood up. "Let's dance."

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Donna Grant

"The cleverest woman finds a need for foolish admirers."

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Donna Grant

"Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual."

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Donna Grant

"She breathed an enormous sigh, looked at Poirot, Looked away, and suddenly blurted out, "You're too old. Nobody told me you were so old. I really don't want to be rude but - there it is. You're too old. I'm really sorry." She turned abruptly and blundered out of the room, rather like a desperate moth in lamplight. Poirot, his mouth open, heard the bang of the front door. He ejaculated: "Non d'un nom d'un nom..."

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Donna Grant

"I was my own boss, but that all changed the day I got married."

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Donna Grant

"Could you hold the chainsaw a bit closer to your mouth, please?"

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Explore more quotes by Erma Bombeck

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Erma Bombeck
"Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other."

Success

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Erma Bombeck
"A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest."

Friendship

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Erma Bombeck
"A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat."

Friendship

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Erma Bombeck
"When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'."

God

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Erma Bombeck
"I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair."

Old

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Erma Bombeck
"How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?"

Will

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Erma Bombeck
"My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car."

Car

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Erma Bombeck
"Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth."

Car

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Erma Bombeck
"Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments."

Car

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Erma Bombeck
"Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated."

School

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