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"When humor goes, there goes civilization."
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"I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: "Checkout Time is 18 years.""
Time
"There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it."
Family
"Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other."
Success
"Children make your life important."
Life
"A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest."
Friendship
"A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat."
Friendship
"In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet."
Humor
"Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments."
Car
"Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated."
School
"When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'."
God
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"Fool me once, shame on youfool me twice, shame on mefool me thrice, I'm gonna get the frying pan!"
Author Name
Personal Development
"As a comedian, the more you commit the sin of stupidity, three essential things happen to your life:~people applaud you incessantly.~love you more than their parents.~give you a daily bread."
Author Name
Personal Development
"One who has both feet firmly planted in the air."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I don't think it's possible to have a sense of tragedy without having a sense of humor."
Author Name
Personal Development
"My religion consists of laughing at myself. My motto is this: As long as there is a me, there is a reason to laugh out loud!"
Author Name
Personal Development
"Well, that depends, I suppose. I heard someone once say that men dance the same way they have sex. So, if you want everyone here to think you're the kind of guy who just sits around and-" He stood up. "Let's dance."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I'm trying to remember how you tell the time by looking at the sun." -"I should leave it for a while, it's too bright to see the numbers at the moment."
Author Name
Personal Development
"The cleverest woman finds a need for foolish admirers."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Comedy strikes here... just to reduce pressure and depression."
Author Name
Personal Development
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