Quotes by Comedian | Beyond Motive 9/75

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Quotes by Comedian

"The incognito of lower class employment is an effective cloak for any dagger one might wish to hide."

"The incognito of lower class employment is an effective cloak for any dagger one might wish to hide."

Margaret Cho, American Comedian

52

"Balance is so important in our lives. In our busy world, we can give ourselves balance between thinking and feeling."

"Balance is so important in our lives. In our busy world, we can give ourselves balance between thinking and feeling."

Yakov Smirnoff, Russian Comedian

Balance, Feeling, Thinking, World

52

"Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children."

"Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children."

Phyllis Diller, American Comedian

Work, Advice, Children

52

"It shows the truth - that the real meaning of a word is only as powerful or harmless as the emotion behind it."

"It shows the truth - that the real meaning of a word is only as powerful or harmless as the emotion behind it."

Sarah Silverman, American Comedian

Truth, Emotion, Meaning, Word

52

"I quit smoking well over twenty years ago."

"I quit smoking well over twenty years ago."

Shelley Berman, American Comedian

52

"Upstate New York in the middle of October. You can't get more beautiful than that."

"Upstate New York in the middle of October. You can't get more beautiful than that."

Paul Reiser, American Comedian

52

"I went window shopping today! I bought four windows."

"I went window shopping today! I bought four windows."

Tommy Cooper, British Comedian

52

"This stammer got me a home in Beverly Hills, and I'm not about to screw with it now."

"This stammer got me a home in Beverly Hills, and I'm not about to screw with it now."

Bob Newhart, American Comedian

52

"I believe there is a direct correlation between love and laughter."

"I believe there is a direct correlation between love and laughter."

Yakov Smirnoff, Russian Comedian

52

"I'm under stress. They killed me on wikipedia. They killed me. And I didn't stay dead long enough to sell no DVDs. I didn't even stay dead long enough - I was too stupid. I should've stayed low. I should've laid low. I could've been gone for a year; I'd have made money. And then I'd have risen from the dead."

"I'm under stress. They killed me on wikipedia. They killed me. And I didn't stay dead long enough to sell no DVDs. I didn't even stay dead long enough - I was too stupid. I should've stayed low. I should've laid low. I could've been gone for a year; I'd have made money. And then I'd have risen from the dead."

Sinbad, American Comedian

52

"People always come up to me and say that my smoking is bothering them... Well, it's killing me!"

"People always come up to me and say that my smoking is bothering them... Well, it's killing me!"

Wendy Liebman, American Comedian

People, Killing, Smoking

52

"Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease."

"Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease."

Bill Maher, American Comedian

Disease, Now, Sin

52

"No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world."

"No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world."

Robin Williams, American Comedian

Change, People, Ideas, Words

52

"The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it... try to fake three laughs in an hour - ha ha ha ha ha - they'll take you away, man. You can't."

"The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it... try to fake three laughs in an hour - ha ha ha ha ha - they'll take you away, man. You can't."

Lenny Bruce, American Comedian

Art, Comedy, Laughter, Man

52

"Hunting is not a sport. In a sport, both sides should know they're in the game."

"Hunting is not a sport. In a sport, both sides should know they're in the game."

Paul Rodriguez, Mexican Comedian

52

"I love Richard Pryor. I love him to death."

"I love Richard Pryor. I love him to death."

Mike Epps, American Comedian

52

"There's no skill. You can be a rock and move into another cash bracket."

"There's no skill. You can be a rock and move into another cash bracket."

Howie Mandel, Canadian Comedian

52

"I'm playing all the right notes, but not necessarily in the right order."

"I'm playing all the right notes, but not necessarily in the right order."

Eric Morecambe, British Comedian

52

"It's all about the script. Reality is key to me and less cutesy."

"It's all about the script. Reality is key to me and less cutesy."

Jimmy Fallon, American Comedian

52

"Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps."

"Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps."

Emo Philips, American Comedian

52

"I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him."

"I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him."

Emo Philips, American Comedian

52

"All men kill the thing they hate, too, unless, of course, it kills them first."

"All men kill the thing they hate, too, unless, of course, it kills them first."

James Thurber, American Comedian

Men, First, Hate

52

"It's nice to see that look of alarm on the faces of the others."

"It's nice to see that look of alarm on the faces of the others."

Graham Chapman, British Comedian

52

"The Bush administration said today there is a lot of support for us to attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, they're all lining up."

"The Bush administration said today there is a lot of support for us to attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, they're all lining up."

Jay Leno, American Comedian

Iraq, Support, Today

52

"Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you."

"Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you."

Joan Rivers, American Comedian

51

"Miami Beach is where neon goes to die."

"Miami Beach is where neon goes to die."

Lenny Bruce, American Comedian

51

"Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute."

"Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute."

Josh Billings, American Comedian

Argument, Arguments, Silence

51

"Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient."

"Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient."

Milton Berle, American Comedian

Disgrace, Poverty

51

"I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me."

"I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me."

Stephen Fry, British Comedian

51

"I personally think we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain."

"I personally think we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain."

Jane Wagner, American Comedian

51

"We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets."

"We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets."

David Letterman, American Comedian

Apology, Future, Now, Secrets

51

"I like American women. They do things sexually Russian girls never dream of doing - like showering."

"I like American women. They do things sexually Russian girls never dream of doing - like showering."

Yakov Smirnoff, Russian Comedian

Woman, Women, Dream, American, Girls

51

"He who hesitates is poor."

"He who hesitates is poor."

Mel Brooks, American Comedian

51

"I have friends who are going through chemotherapy, and they make the darkest, most hideous cancer jokes you've ever heard."

"I have friends who are going through chemotherapy, and they make the darkest, most hideous cancer jokes you've ever heard."

Kathy Griffin, American Comedian

Cancer, Friends, Jokes

51

"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'"

"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'"

Tommy Cooper, British Comedian

51

"Comedy is acting out optimism."

"Comedy is acting out optimism."

Robin Williams, American Comedian

Optimism, Acting, Comedy

51

"If you travel to the States... they have a lot of different words than like what we use. For instance: they say 'elevator', we say 'lift'; they say 'drapes', we say 'curtains'; they say 'president', we say 'seriously deranged git.'"

"If you travel to the States... they have a lot of different words than like what we use. For instance: they say 'elevator', we say 'lift'; they say 'drapes', we say 'curtains'; they say 'president', we say 'seriously deranged git.'"

Alexei Sayle, British Comedian

Travel, states, Words

51

"I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific."

"I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific."

Mitch Hedberg, American Comedian

51

"I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog."

"I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog."

Wendy Liebman, American Comedian

51

"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography."

"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography."

Steven Wright, American Comedian

Autobiography, Writing

51

"The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt."

"The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt."

Dennis Miller, American Comedian

Global warming, Radical, Right

51

"When the sun comes up, I have morals again."

"When the sun comes up, I have morals again."

Elayne Boosler, American Comedian

51

"No, sometimes we just have to take liberties because the idea was so good. I wish we'd just gone with the idea that Patsy had been a man. It would have been fantastic."

"No, sometimes we just have to take liberties because the idea was so good. I wish we'd just gone with the idea that Patsy had been a man. It would have been fantastic."

Jennifer Saunders, British Comedian

51

"Modesty is my best quality."

"Modesty is my best quality."

Jack Benny, American Comedian

Quality, Modesty

51

"Get well cards have become so humorous that if you don't get sick you're missing half the fun."

"Get well cards have become so humorous that if you don't get sick you're missing half the fun."

Flip Wilson, American Comedian

51

"A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months."

"A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months."

Henny Youngman, American Comedian

51

"Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?"

"Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?"

George Carlin, American Comedian

Crime, Fight, Fire, Freedom

51

"A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done."

"A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done."

Fred Allen, American Comedian

People, Committee, Nothing

51

"The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot."

"The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot."

Jay Leno, American Comedian

Doctors, England, Medicine

51

"If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets."

"If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets."

Mel Brooks, American Comedian

51

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