Quotes by Comedian | Beyond Motive 9/75

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Quotes by Comedian

"Discussion in America means dissent."

"Discussion in America means dissent."

James Thurber, American Comedian

America, Dissent

63

"Love is a promise delivered already broken."

"Love is a promise delivered already broken."

Steve Martin, American Comedian

63

"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."

"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."

George Carlin, American Comedian

63

"I don't think the NFL had the slightest intention of taking me, except as maybe a water boy."

"I don't think the NFL had the slightest intention of taking me, except as maybe a water boy."

Joel McHale, American Comedian

Intention, Water

63

"My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock."

"My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock."

Rodney Dangerfield, American Comedian

63

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'"

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'"

Tommy Cooper, British Comedian

63

"Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon."

"Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon."

Tim Allen, American Comedian

Women, End, Want

63

"I had written in another draft a completely different kind of fight, but they said they couldn't afford to shoot it. They needed a fight scene, though, so I was told to put a fight scene in, but not the one I had written."

"I had written in another draft a completely different kind of fight, but they said they couldn't afford to shoot it. They needed a fight scene, though, so I was told to put a fight scene in, but not the one I had written."

Dana Carvey, American Comedian

63

"My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare."

"My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare."

Mike Myers, Canadian Comedian

63

"I'm always listening and watching; my ear is like a boom mike. And judging, frankly. Constantly judging."

"I'm always listening and watching; my ear is like a boom mike. And judging, frankly. Constantly judging."

Kathy Griffin, American Comedian

63

"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home."

"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home."

Phyllis Diller, American Comedian

Home, Children, Rest, Will

63

"I'm playing all the right notes, but not necessarily in the right order."

"I'm playing all the right notes, but not necessarily in the right order."

Eric Morecambe, British Comedian

63

"What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day."

"What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day."

Phyllis Diller, American Comedian

Christmas, Day, Job, Office

63

"All men kill the thing they hate, too, unless, of course, it kills them first."

"All men kill the thing they hate, too, unless, of course, it kills them first."

James Thurber, American Comedian

Men, First, Hate

63

"The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going."

"The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going."

George Carlin, American Comedian

Family, Argument, Night

63

"Green Eggs and Ham was the story of my life. I wouldn't eat a thing when I was a kid, but Dr. Seuss inspired me to try cauliflower!"

"Green Eggs and Ham was the story of my life. I wouldn't eat a thing when I was a kid, but Dr. Seuss inspired me to try cauliflower!"

Jim Carrey, Canadian Comedian

63

"Shirley Temple had charisma as a child. But it cleared up as an adult."

"Shirley Temple had charisma as a child. But it cleared up as an adult."

Totie Fields, American Comedian

Temple, Charisma

63

"Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."

"Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."

Steven Wright, American Comedian

People, Cards, Night, Poker

63

"Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel."

"Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel."

David Letterman, American Comedian

Experts, Iraq, May, News

62

"My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to."

"My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to."

Rita Rudner, American Comedian

Boyfriend, Want

62

"As a real person, he wouldn't last a minute, would he? But drama is about imperfection. And we've moved away from the aspirational hero. We got tired of it, it was dull. If I was House's friend, I would hate it. How he so resolutely refuses to be happy or take the kind-hearted road. But we don't always like morally good people, do we?"

"As a real person, he wouldn't last a minute, would he? But drama is about imperfection. And we've moved away from the aspirational hero. We got tired of it, it was dull. If I was House's friend, I would hate it. How he so resolutely refuses to be happy or take the kind-hearted road. But we don't always like morally good people, do we?"

Hugh Laurie, British Comedian

People, Friend, Drama, Hate

62

"Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute."

"Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute."

Josh Billings, American Comedian

Argument, Arguments, Silence

62

"Iraq is a manufactured conflict for the sake of geopolitical dominance in the area."

"Iraq is a manufactured conflict for the sake of geopolitical dominance in the area."

Janeane Garofalo, American Comedian

62

"How beautifully leaves grow old. How full of light and color are their last days."

"How beautifully leaves grow old. How full of light and color are their last days."

George Burns, American Comedian

62

"I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late."

"I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late."

Mitch Hedberg, American Comedian

Fun, Machine, Want, Will

62

"The reason they keep it so tight is that no one liked them, so that without each other, actually, they couldn't exist. They support each other. They support their flaws and everything else."

"The reason they keep it so tight is that no one liked them, so that without each other, actually, they couldn't exist. They support each other. They support their flaws and everything else."

Jennifer Saunders, British Comedian

Flaws, Reason, Support

62

"I actually think I'm more of a turtle than Verne is. Where Verne is up on two legs and moving at full speed and doesn't pull his head into the shell very often, I in reality was five or ten minutes later to every recording session."

"I actually think I'm more of a turtle than Verne is. Where Verne is up on two legs and moving at full speed and doesn't pull his head into the shell very often, I in reality was five or ten minutes later to every recording session."

Garry Shandling, American Comedian

62

"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing."

"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing."

Phyllis Diller, American Comedian

Growing up, Kids

62

"I have friends who are going through chemotherapy, and they make the darkest, most hideous cancer jokes you've ever heard."

"I have friends who are going through chemotherapy, and they make the darkest, most hideous cancer jokes you've ever heard."

Kathy Griffin, American Comedian

Cancer, Friends, Jokes

62

"I really wasn't a class clown."

"I really wasn't a class clown."

Kevin James, American Comedian

62

"My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father."

"My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father."

Wendy Liebman, American Comedian

Mom, Father, Thought, Voice

62

"I'm also doing a special for Comedy Central called Autobiography. It's going to be a spoof of Biography."

"I'm also doing a special for Comedy Central called Autobiography. It's going to be a spoof of Biography."

Kathy Griffin, American Comedian

Autobiography, Comedy

62

"I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific."

"I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific."

Mitch Hedberg, American Comedian

62

"You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven."

"You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven."

Dennis Miller, American Comedian

62

"I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog."

"I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog."

Wendy Liebman, American Comedian

62

"The incognito of lower class employment is an effective cloak for any dagger one might wish to hide."

"The incognito of lower class employment is an effective cloak for any dagger one might wish to hide."

Margaret Cho, American Comedian

62

"No, sometimes we just have to take liberties because the idea was so good. I wish we'd just gone with the idea that Patsy had been a man. It would have been fantastic."

"No, sometimes we just have to take liberties because the idea was so good. I wish we'd just gone with the idea that Patsy had been a man. It would have been fantastic."

Jennifer Saunders, British Comedian

62

"Modesty is my best quality."

"Modesty is my best quality."

Jack Benny, American Comedian

Quality, Modesty

62

"Bad taste is simply saying the truth before it should be said."

"Bad taste is simply saying the truth before it should be said."

Mel Brooks, American Comedian

Truth, Saying, Taste

62

"There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."

"There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."

Steven Wright, American Comedian

62

"No, generally I think influence is used as a nice word for plagiarism."

"No, generally I think influence is used as a nice word for plagiarism."

Gilbert Gottfried, American Comedian

Influence, Plagiarism, Word

62

"I would have to say loneliness is next to uncleanliness."

"I would have to say loneliness is next to uncleanliness."

Janeane Garofalo, American Comedian

62

"I drink to forget I drink."

"I drink to forget I drink."

Joe E. Lewis, American Comedian

62

"A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done."

"A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done."

Fred Allen, American Comedian

People, Committee, Nothing

62

"Nothing says holidays, like a cheese log."

"Nothing says holidays, like a cheese log."

Ellen DeGeneres, American Comedian

Holiday, Holidays, Nothing

62

"As you can imagine I'm disappointed as anything that I was not selected to be the presidential running mate. And I find it continually appalling that it would be a radical thing to have a woman on the ticket."

"As you can imagine I'm disappointed as anything that I was not selected to be the presidential running mate. And I find it continually appalling that it would be a radical thing to have a woman on the ticket."

Kate Clinton, American Comedian

Radical, Running, Woman

62

"Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch."

"Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch."

W. C. Fields, American Comedian

62

"I don't know who the hell Paul Lynde is, or why he's funny, and I prefer it to be a mystery to me."

"I don't know who the hell Paul Lynde is, or why he's funny, and I prefer it to be a mystery to me."

Paul Lynde, American Comedian

Funny, Hell, Mystery

62

"Inside was the second LP album of a comedian's performance before an audience."

"Inside was the second LP album of a comedian's performance before an audience."

Shelley Berman, American Comedian

62

"Fame has sent a number of celebrities off the deep end, and in the case of Michael Jackson, to the kiddy pool."

"Fame has sent a number of celebrities off the deep end, and in the case of Michael Jackson, to the kiddy pool."

Bill Maher, American Comedian

Deep, End, Fame

62

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