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Steven Wright

"Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."

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"Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."

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"It is not true that people are naturally equal for no two people can be together for even a half an hour without one acquiring an evident superiority over the other."

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"Do you genuinely love people? Or at least make an effort to like them? Your first impressions will be made easier and more successful when you start with your heart."

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"People will not remember what you did for living,they will remember how you touched them with kindness and loving."

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"He makes people pleased with him by making them first pleased with themselves."

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"People are always good company when they are doing what they really enjoy."

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"No good opera plot can be sensible, for people do not sing when they are feeling sensible."

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"With most people disbelief in a thing is founded on a blind belief in some other thing."

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"There are three categories of people exist in the world; "the wanters", "the wishers" and "the makers."

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"Prune - prune businesses, products, activities, people. Do it annually."

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"Some people bear three kinds of trouble - the ones they've had, the ones they have, and the ones they expect to have."

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"The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing."
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"I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second."
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Steven Wright
"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."
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"I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything."
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"I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car."
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"I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side."
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Steven Wright
"I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose."
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Steven Wright
"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."
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"My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant."
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"I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it."
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