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Steven Wright

"Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."

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"Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."

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"Often people display a curious respect for a man drunk, rather like the respect of simple races for the insane... There is something awe-inspiring in one who has lost all inhibitions."

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"The last resort of kings, the cannonball. The last resort of the people, the paving stone."

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"It is not true that people are naturally equal for no two people can be together for even a half an hour without one acquiring an evident superiority over the other."

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"There are bad people who would be less dangerous if they were quite devoid of goodness."

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"I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal."

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"There are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating - people who know absolutely everything, and people who know absolutely nothing."

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"We confess our little faults to persuade people that we have no large ones."

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"Some people break promises for the pleasure of breaking them."

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"I do give books as gifts sometimes, when people would rather have one than a new Ferrari."

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"If something in your writing gives support to people in their lives, that's more than just entertainment-which is what we writers all struggle to do, to touch people."

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"The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing."
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"I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose."
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"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."
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"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."
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"I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car."
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"My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant."
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"There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators."
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"I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything."
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"I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side."
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Steven Wright
"In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number."
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