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"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."
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"Photo shoots for underage girls are like letting an ant walk around with honey."
Author Name
Personal Development
"If you think about it now, it's kind of ridiculous. All these hot girls on Baywatch in tiny little red bathing suits running around saving lives."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I got along better with the guys than with the girls. Only two girls came up to talk to me. Later I found out they were telling their boyfriends, 'If you talk to her, I'll kill you.' It's always rough with that high school thing."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Now I know why guys like to hug girls. You guys just want to cop a feel. I can't believe that I've fallen for it all these years!"
Author Name
Personal Development
"The girls want to see the rips on your stomach - they like that."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I'm getting better now, but I used to be incredibly awkward with girls. I think any guy who says 'I've never had an awkward moment with a girl' is a liar."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I absolutely hate Take That, East 17, the Spice Girls."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I'm attracted to long-legged girls with long arms and a little head."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Girls can wear jeans, cut their hair short, wear shirts and boots, 'cause it's okay to be a boy, but for a boy to look like a girl is degrading."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I can't do some of the songs that younger girls like Mary J. Blige and Beyonce are doing. They have their own place and I have my own place."
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Personal Development
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"I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it."
Listening
"I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect."
Hell
"I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away."
Building
"If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little."
Universe
"You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar."
Eating
"Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established."
Example
"Weather forecast for tonight: dark."
Weather
"The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept."
Answers
"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"
Driving
"Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things."
Pet
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