"I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that."

"I'd like to be more patient! I just want everything now. I've tried to meditate, but it's really hard for me to stay still. I'd like to try to force myself to do it, because everybody says how wonderful meditation is for you, but I can't shut my mind up. So patience and learning is the key."

"Here are the values that I stand for: honesty, equality, kindness, compassion, treating people the way you want to be treated and helping those in need. To me, those are traditional values."

"My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada."

"It must be around forty, when you're 'over the hill.' I don't even know what that means and why it's a bad thing. When I go hiking and I get over the hill, that means I'm past the hard part and there's a snack in my future. That's a good thing as far as I'm concerned."

"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."

"Be kind to one another. Bye, bye."

"You should never assume. You know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of you and me because that's how it's spelled."

"I'm on the patch right now. Where it releases small dosages of approval until I no longer crave it, and then I'm gonna rip it off."

"I'm grateful for everything. I'm grateful for my health, and I'm so grateful for the love in my life."

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."

"I wonder what will happen if i put a hand cream on my feet, will they get confused and start clapping?"

"If you want to add a little spice to your life, plant some dill. And learn to salsa."

"Life is short. If you doubt me, ask a butterfly. Their average life span is a mere five to fourteen days."

"I wanted to have money I wanted to be special I wanted people to like me I wanted to be famous."

"Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system."

"Beauty is about being comfortable in your own skin. It's about knowing and accepting who you are."

"Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer."

"No matter how popular you are as a stand-up - you can go out and fill a 10,000-seat arena and be smart and funny - it's delicate to host an awards show and know where your place is and know that it's not about you, that it's about the people who are nominated, and respect that, but at the same time have your moment to show them who you are."

"A lot of money with the wrong career is not going to make you happy. If you have money without happiness, it doesn't mean anything. It's all about happiness."

"If we're destroying our trees and destroying our environment and hurting animals and hurting one another and all that stuff, there's got to be a very powerful energy to fight that. I think we need more love in the world. We need more kindness, more compassion, more joy, more laughter. I definitely want to contribute to that."

"One time I actually cleaned out my closet so good I ended up on the cover of Time magazine."

"Above all things physical, it is more important to be beautiful on the inside - to have a big hear and an open mind and a spectacular spleen."

"I work really hard at trying to see the big picture and not getting stuck in ego. I believe we're all put on this planet for a purpose, and we all have a different purpose... When you connect with that love and that compassion, that's when everything unfolds."

"We need more kindness, more compassion, more joy, more laughter."

"Start thinking positively. You will notice a difference. Instead of 'I think I'm a loser,' try 'I definitely am a loser.' Stop being wishy-washy about things! How much more of a loser can you be if you don't even know you are one? Either you are a loser or you are not. Which is it, stupid?"

"I enjoy growing older and wiser and learning from my mistakes every single day."

"The first time probably people really were aware of me, I unfortunately had the title of Showtime's Funniest Person in America. And that's a really tough title to travel around with when you're not even known."

"Sometimes you can't see yourself clearly until you see yourself through the eyes of others."

"The word 'yoga' literally means 'uniting', because when you're doing it you are uniting your mind and your body. You can tell this almost immediately because your mind will be thinking, 'Ouch, that hurts,' and your body will say, 'I know.' And your mind will think, 'You have to get out of this position.' And your body will say, 'I agree with you, but I can't right now. I think I'm stuck."

"My dad is still Christian Scientist. My mom's not, and I'm not. But I believe in God, and that there's a higher power and an intelligence that's bigger than us and that we can rely on. It's not just us, thinking we are the ones in control of everything. That idea gives me support."

"Nothing says holidays, like a cheese log."

"Why is it that when you wipe up dust its called dusting but when you wipe up a spill its not called spilling? Just something to think about."

"The world is full of a lot of fear and a lot of negativity, and a lot of judgment. I just think people need to start shifting into joy and happiness. As corny as it sounds, we need to make a shift."

"I had everything I'd hoped for, but I wasn't being myself. So I decided to be honest about who I was. It was strange: The people who loved me for being funny suddenly didn't like me for being... me."

"I was raised in an atmosphere of 'everything's fine.' But as I got older, I was like, 'Well no, everything's not fine. There is stuff that's sad.' I am a really sensitive person. I think I am too sensitive sometimes."

"We should be grateful for them because without our family-the ancestors we descend from, the cousins we see once a year, the loves our lives we see every day-life is pretty boring."

"It makes a big difference in your life when you stay positive."

"I guess what I'm trying to say is, there are a lot of self righteous people out there. And if you try to adjust your life to please them - by the way you dress, your sexuality, or the ass faces you like to make - you are just going to go crazy and risk being as unhappy as these self righteous kooks are. So enjoy your life. God gave us our bodies as a gift.(Granted, to some of us it's kind of a gag gift, but that's okay too.) Wear what you want, love who you want, and have fun."

"Life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The thing everyone should realize is that the key to happiness is being happy by yourself and for yourself. Happiness comes from within. You have the power to change your own mindset so that all the negative, horrible thoughts that try to invade your psyche are replaced with happy, positive, wonderful thoughts."

"But seriously, I think overall in the scheme of things winning an Emmy is not important. Let's get our priorities straight. I think we all know what's really important in life - winning an Oscar."

"It's even more awkward when we're face to face with people. It used to be exciting to make plans with friends because you could sit and catch up and talk about what's been going on in your lives. Now when you see someone there's nothing left to say. You've already seen the pictures from their trip to Rio on Facebook. You've read their tweets about the latest diet they're on. And they already texted you about the pregnancy scare. So you end up just sitting and staring at each other until you both start texting other people."

"Now,I'm no scientist,but I know what endorphins are. They're tiny little magical elves that swim through your blood stream and tell funny jokes to each other. When they reach your brain,you hear what they're saying and that boosts your health and happiness. 'Knock Knock... Who's There?.. Little endorphin... Little endorphin who?... Little Endorphin Annie.' And then the endorphins laugh and then you laugh. See? Its Science."

"Have you ever heard somebody sing some lyrics that you've never sung before, and you realize you've never sung the right words in that song? You hear them and all of a sudden you say to yourself, 'Life in the Fast Lane?' That's what they're saying right there? You think, 'why have I been singing 'wipe in the vaseline?' how many people have heard me sing 'wipe in the vaseline?' I am an idiot."

"It always helps to think about other people instead of ourselves."

"It's a little weird that I'm getting an award for being nice and generous and kind... which is what we're all supposed to do for one another. That's the point of being human. I think that kindness is an innate quality that we all have. We need to see more of it in the world. I want everyone to know that we all really, really love one another. Deep down, we all love one another. We need to get back to that. My wish is that we all try."

"True beauty is not related to what color your hair is or what color your eyes are. True beauty is about who you are as a human being, your principles, your moral compass."

"Things will get easier, people's minds will change, and you should be alive to see it."

"I was raised around heterosexuals, as all heterosexuals are, that's where us gay people come from... you heterosexuals."

"I hope I make people feel better. I hope I take people out of their situations a little bit and make them happier. That's really why I do what I do."