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Quotes by Comedian
"Everybody always asks about Jimmy Fallon. I'm sorry to say that he's very nice and there's not much bad to say about him. I don't know if he sucks at videogames or not. I don't think he plays them, but he could have this whole secret life I don't know about."
Life,
46
"You always think you're better than you are in the beginning."
46
"I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me."
46
"I'm not really a heavy smoker any more. I only get through two lighters a day now."
46
"You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old."
46
"It was a decision to work clean. I just prefer to work that way. I have no problem with comedians who don't work that way. There was a temptation in the early '70s to reconsider. I decided against it."
46
"I used to wake up at 4 A.M. and start sneezing, sometimes for five hours. I tried to find out what sort of allergy I had but finally came to the conclusion that it must be an allergy to consciousness."
46
"The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive."
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"I did some acting in high school, I knew I really liked it."
46
"I'm 42 and the age of a guy who has kids, so I guess I'm playing right where I'm supposed to be. I'm comfortable with that, but in the same breath I'd do something edgy. If someone came to me and offered me an edgy and funny story, then I'd do it."
46
"We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight."
46
"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences."
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"Iraq now says that it will, after all, destroy its missiles. President Bush said, 'Please, I used to pull the same trick. There'd be an intervention, I'd make a big show of pouring out the liquor and then there was a case under the floorboards.'"
46
"Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'"
Time,
46
"My job is to find the politicians and the presidents and the pompous people who are telling other people how to live, powerful, visible creatures and ... go at them."
46
"Maybe if I could ever be a successful comedian then I could be an example that Christians can also have fun."
46
"Pressure and stress is the common cold of the psyche."
46
"I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think."
46
"In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first."
46
"When my mother had to get dinner for 8 she'd just make enough for 16 and only serve half."
46
"I throw it all in there, Kung Fu, blaxploitation, horror."
46
"Great literature must spring from an upheaval in the author's soul. If that upheaval is not present then it must come from the works of any other author which happens to be handy and easily adapted."
46
"What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin."
Fish,
46
"Tel Aviv is new, built on the sand dunes north of Jaffa in the 1890s, about the same time Miami was founded. The cities bear a resemblance in size, site, climate, and architecture, which ranges from the bland to the fancifully bland."
46
"I would call it a comedy variety show. We have some people just doing straight standup. We usually try to have one musical act of sort. So its just people being funny in different ways, not just sketch, not just standup, not just characters, all of those things."
46
"I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine."
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"I try something new every night. It's an hour show; if it works I maybe try it a few more times and then move that off and try something new. It's a great workshop for me."
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