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Quotes by Comedian
"I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes."
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"I remember interviewing someone I actually felt bad for, and therefore didn't want to take an ironic stance against him. It actually turned out to be a really funny piece."
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"Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people."
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"I can say whatever I want. So do not bring the kids. It's definitely rated R."
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"What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money."
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"I like to have fun and be funny, but I'm much more of a thinker."
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"Wisdom has never made a bigot, but learning has."
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"I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine."
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"People who don't use the tools given to them only injure themselves."
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"Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door."
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"I thought The Office was good, though I didn't think of it as a sitcom, just as a very good programme."
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"It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things."
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"I really want to love somebody. I do. I just don't know if it's possible forever and ever."
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"Sometimes you can't see yourself clearly until you see yourself through the eyes of others."
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"Personally, I'd never seen a graphic novel. I knew they existed because friends of mine like Jonathan Ross collect them and some very literate and intelligent people really rate the graphic novel as a form."
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"I think people are as individual as snowflakes, they kinda look alike but no two are the exactly the same, and all classification is the root of prejudice."
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"That's what we wanted to get across in that moment, particularly when Shaun goes to the shop when he's all hung over. He doesn't notice any of the zombies around him just because he never had before, so why should he at that point?"
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"I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too."
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"Ya know what I do almost every day? I wash. Personal hygiene is part of the package with me."
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"I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name."
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"If I ever completely lost my nervousness I would be frightened half to death."
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"One of the principal goals in my life has been to avoid embarrassing my children by doing the job I do. I hope I've managed to do that, and I hope that, with the job I'm in now, they are, if not proud, at least unembarrassed by it. I must say, my three are most agreeable children, who do nothing but delight me."
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