"Adults are always asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas."

"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"

"I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name."

"The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling."

"The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer."