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Quotes by Comedian
"I am pretty tenacious as a perfectionist in terms of getting something right."
39
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait."
39
"But if something funny happens, I can't resist. I have to tell the people."
39
"Because someone stole Gregory Peck's star on Hollywood Blvd., I have hired a Brink's guard to protect my star!"
39
"I absolutely realize that a celebrity spokesperson is not ideal."
39
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
39
"Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up."
Time,
39
"I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out."
39
"England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'."
39
"A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary."
39
"School shootings were invented by blacks... and stolen by the white man."
39
"It was such a leap in my career when 'Truman Show' came along. It's always been a long process for me insofar as recognition goes, but that's OK because you appreciate it when it comes."
39
"If I hadn't become a celebrity, I'd probably be an alcoholic."
39
"To make the argument that the media has a left- or right-wing, or a liberal or a conservative bias, is like asking if the problem with Al-Qaeda is do they use too much oil in their hummus."
39
"It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty."
Sex,
39
"Let's reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools - and use it on the teachers."
39
"People want other people to know that they share our sensibility even if they're not exactly sure what that sensibility is."
39
"I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well."
39
"Barack Obama has raised tons of money. That is what he means by being green."
39
"A white boy that makes C's in college can make it to the White House."
39
"The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it."
39
"I was a shy little girl, nothing like what I am now."
39
"Rodents can come across as being quite vacant in the personality stakes."
39
"There is no such thing as fun for the whole family."
39
"I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes."
39
"There is something about a poet which leads us to believe that he died, in many cases, as long as 20 years before his birth."
39
"I don't know why my lines that were cut from the film didn't make it onto the DVD. I have offered to go into the editing room with Christopher and work shoulder to shoulder with him to fit all my lines in. I think he thinks I'm kidding. I'm only trying to help."
39
"There is no labor a person does that is undignified; if they do it right."
39
"I've no idea what they make of me. People usually don't recognise themselves in an impression."
39
"It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan?"
39
"I can say whatever I want. So do not bring the kids. It's definitely rated R."
39
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