top of page
.png){kind=small}
Quotes by Comedian
"The sterile, arid environment created by truly jarring and discordant signage and gargantuan billboards is a turnoff."
4
"Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again."
4
"All men should strive to learn before they die, what they are running from, and to, and why."
4
"Maybe entertainment is not supposed to be reality."
4
"We picked the Red Sox because they lose. If you root for something that loses for 86 years, you're a pretty good fan. You don't have to win everything to be a fan of something."
4
"If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home, you might be a redneck."
4
"I also think if you're an actor and you can improvise, when you go on an audition and you can improvise you're just a genius. If you can, you know, take a Tide commercial and you can just say one funny line that's not in the commercial they think you're a genius."
4
"I once had dinner with Madonna and I wasn't nervous but within about a minute I found myself talking about underwear."
4
"I am not, I repeat, NOT a lesbian - even though I'd like to be one when I grow up."
4
"Because I have a girlfriend, I try and take the straight and narrow path, which is good because it prevents VD."
4
"I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor."
God,
4
"I have had the unfortunate experience of having someone write an unauthorised biography of me. Half of it is lies and the other half is badly written. My feeling is that if I'm going to write my life story, I ought to have my life first."
4
"Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport."
4
"My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic."
4
"My kids have a competitive drive I never had growing up."
4
"Stay away from drugs. They're not worth it. I've tried, but there's none of them that's worth it."
4
"Somehow, by just continually pestering the general public by appearing on television, they accepted me and wanted more."
4
"The dog has seldom been successful in pulling man up to its level of sagacity, but man has frequently dragged the dog down to his."
4
"What Democrats call 'nuanced,' most people refer to as 'stupidity.'"
4
"I used to draw a lot. If my mother would ask me to do something else, I'd have a hairy conniption. I'd just go crazy."
4
"I've been around the block a lot and I've had a merry trail for 55 years."
4
"Researches tested a new form of medical marijuana that treats pain but doesn't get the user high, prompting patients who need medical marijuana to declare, "Thank you?""
4
"I do miss Saturday Night Live, that's for sure. There's nothing like it. I just hosted, and I felt I'd only been away for a week."
4
"When your hobbies get in the way of your work - that's OK; but when your hobbies get in the way of themselves... well."
4
"Sometimes in my class I have people come in and do monologues inspired by people they know and I always find that to be useful to do specifics about somebody and then you're actually doing a character and not doing some random old lady or something."
4
"I am not a cat man, but a dog man, and all felines can tell this at a glance - a sharp, vindictive glance."
Man,
4
"In '87, I used to do this awful, awful James Brown impression."
4
"Sixty minutes of thinking of any kind is bound to lead to confusion and unhappiness."
4
"Absolute faith can blind you to the consequences of the actions you allow. It can tell you it's okay to drop bombs on another country, or that it's okay to hate a group of people such as homosexuals."
4
"Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason."
4
bottom of page