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Quotes by Comedian
"You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going."
6
"I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess."
6
"Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member."
6
"That's my opportunity to hide behind that old lady and say what I want to say."
6
"I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it."
6
"It makes you more open, it gives you perspective, having a child."
6
"I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away."
6
"Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders."
6
"Armageddon is not around the corner. This is only what the people of violence want us to believe. The complexity and diversity of the world is the hope for the future."
6
"It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it."
6
"I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away."
6
"Clinton left the White House with all the class of an XFL halftime show."
6
"I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing."
6
"All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy."
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"I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out."
6
"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture."
6
"My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger."
6
"Behind every argument is someone's ignorance."
6
"There's only one thing money won't buy, and that is poverty."
6
"It's more fun in a way to do ensemble scenes, where you know your background, you know the scene, but you can't prepare because someone else is going to say something that is going to lead you off."
Fun,
6
"I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car."
6
"I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five."
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"I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it."
6
"Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing."
6
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