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Quotes by Comedian
"I don't feel I'm even worthy of a normal amount of value."
62
"Hunting is not a sport. In a sport, both sides should know they're in the game."
62
"When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place."
62
"Behind every argument is someone's ignorance."
62
"It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals."
61
"Truthiness is tearing apart our country, and I don't mean the argument over who came up with the word. I don't know whether it's a new thing, but it's certainly a current thing, in that it doesn't seem to matter what facts are. It used to be, everyone was entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts. But that's not the case anymore. Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything."
61
"I don't think my judgment is that good. I don't know what is funny."
61
"I personally think we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain."
61
"Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?"
61
"Our shows today are better and funnier than they've ever been."
61
"Anything that was perverse and silly would be Kids in the Hall."
61
"It was a mixed blessing to have famous parents. It was tough to go to auditions and be bad, since I couldn't be anonymous."
61
"The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves."
61
"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography."
61
"Without comedy as a defense mechanism I wouldn't be able to survive."
61
"Watching television is like taking black spray paint to your third eye."
61
"Get well cards have become so humorous that if you don't get sick you're missing half the fun."
61
"I wake up some mornings and sit and have my coffee and look out at my beautiful garden, and I go, 'Remember how good this is. Because you can lose it.'"
61
"Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed."
61
"I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones."
61
"I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone."
61
"Don't bother me while I'm eating, or when I'm coming out of the crackhouse or something. Just let me get going."
61
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