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Quotes by Comedian
"Frank Sinatra taught me how to do him. It took me seven years to master him. He would tell me, tap your foot, Rich, and don't forget to grasp your sleeve."
51
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
51
"Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded."
51
"Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle."
51
"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."
51
"Truthiness is tearing apart our country, and I don't mean the argument over who came up with the word. I don't know whether it's a new thing, but it's certainly a current thing, in that it doesn't seem to matter what facts are. It used to be, everyone was entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts. But that's not the case anymore. Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything."
50
"As a real person, he wouldn't last a minute, would he? But drama is about imperfection. And we've moved away from the aspirational hero. We got tired of it, it was dull. If I was House's friend, I would hate it. How he so resolutely refuses to be happy or take the kind-hearted road. But we don't always like morally good people, do we?"
50
"How beautifully leaves grow old. How full of light and color are their last days."
50
"Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?"
50
"I took a public speaking class in college and managed to make the class laugh a little bit."
50
"I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all."
Time,
50
"I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there."
50
"I actually think I'm more of a turtle than Verne is. Where Verne is up on two legs and moving at full speed and doesn't pull his head into the shell very often, I in reality was five or ten minutes later to every recording session."
50
"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing."
50
"When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them."
50
"You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven."
50
"Your instinct, rather than precision stabbing, is more about just random bludgeoning."
50
"It's a naive domestic Burgundy without any breeding, but I think you'll be amused by its presumption."
50
"We want to get people laughing; we don't want to offend anybody."
50
"I wake up some mornings and sit and have my coffee and look out at my beautiful garden, and I go, 'Remember how good this is. Because you can lose it.'"
50
"Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'"
Ugly,
50
"No, generally I think influence is used as a nice word for plagiarism."
50
"Out of 30 years of Second City I was probably the third African-American with the main stage cast. I was surprised when I first heard that. I think part of the reason that improvisation has never been popular with African-Americans is that it isn't popular in the inner cities."
50
"President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger."
50
"They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults."
50
"Don't bother me while I'm eating, or when I'm coming out of the crackhouse or something. Just let me get going."
50
"We signed up for Showtime, which I think put us on a Homeland Security list somewhere."
50
"Inside was the second LP album of a comedian's performance before an audience."
50
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