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"I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car."
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"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."
Car,

"My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car."

"I have a Volvo S60R and it's a pretty fast car, the R says it all."

"They put chains on me; they chained my waist, my legs. Put me in the back of a squad car, and I literally blacked out. I didn't even - there's whole pieces missing."
Car,

"A man sits in his car at the traffic lights, waiting for them to go green."

"No, in Lethal Weapon I was a taxi cab driver that Mel jumps in front of the taxi and pulls me out of the car and steals the taxi. Then I did some other indie driving for some of the car sequences."

"I remember that all of a sudden, the car felt like I couldn't control it. It was absolutely the most horrifying experience. We rolled over, off the freeway. I think there was something wrong with the car."

"Campaign behavior for wives: Always be on time. Do as little talking as humanly possible. Lean back in the parade car so everybody can see the president."
Explore more quotes by Henny Youngman


"My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself."


"I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me."


"A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well."
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