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"The difference between a misfortune and a calamity is this: If Gladstone fell into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, that would be a calamity."
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"As a comedian, the more you commit the sin of stupidity, three essential things happen to your life:~people applaud you incessantly.~love you more than their parents.~give you a daily bread."
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Personal Development

"Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual."
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Personal Development

"Unless you stop him. Perhaps next we meet.""You'll be just as annoying?" I guessed.He fixed my with those warm brown eyes. "Or perhaps you could bring me up to speed on those modern courtship rituals."I sat there stunned until he gave me a glimpse of a smile-just enough to let me know he was teasing. Then he disappeared."Oh, very funny!" I yelled."
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Personal Development

"Laughter is carbonated holiness."
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Personal Development

"Well, I said, "you obviously have some power. You chased off those hooligans with rotten fruit. Perhaps you have banana-kinesis? Or you can control garbage? I once knew a Roman goddess, Cloacina, who presided over the city's sewer system. Perhaps you're related? Meg pouted. I got the impression I might have said something wrong, though I couldn't imagine what."
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Personal Development

"Alas poor Yorick! I knew him Horatio: a fellow of infinite jest of most excellent fancy."
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Personal Development

"The Fool held his breath. On long nights on the hard flagstones he had dreamed of women like her. Although, if he really thought about it, not much like her; they were better endowed around the chest, their noses weren't so red and pointed, and their hair tended to flow more. But the Fool's libido was bright enough to tell the difference between the impossible and the conceivably attainable, and hurriedly cut in some filter circuits."
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Personal Development

"D'yer see it? This finger, laddie, could send ye to meet yer Maker!Sgt. Deisenburger stared at the black and purple nail a few inches from his face. As an offensive weapon it rated quite highly, especially if it was ever used in the preparation of food."
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Personal Development

"Showing off is more ridiculous in instances where the thing that is being shown off was bought on credit."
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Personal Development

"I didn't understand how. But the toilets had responded to me. I had become one with the plumbing..."
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Personal Development
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"Man is not the creature of circumstances, circumstances are the creatures of men. We are free agents, and man is more powerful than matter."
Attitude

"The secret of success is constancy to purpose."
Success

"There is moderation even in excess."
Motivational

"He has not a single redeeming defect."
Character

"There can be economy only where there is efficiency."
Business

"Desperation is sometimes as powerful an inspirer as genius."
Inspirational

"The question is this: Is man an ape or an angel? I my lords am on the side of the angels."
Philosophy

"The services in wartime are fit only for desperadoes, but in peace are only fit for fools."
Attitude

"Be frank and explicit. That is the right line to take when you wish to conceal your own mind and to confuse the minds of others."
Politics

"Nothing can resist a will which will stake even existence upon its fulfillment."
Determination
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